growing up‚ i never truly felt like i belonged anywhere. whenever someone came into my life‚ my first thought was always that they’d leave me eventually. i went through a phase where i’d distance myself from the people i loved the most because their love‚ though deep‚ felt suffocating. i felt as though i was drowning in it‚ and when i’d finally gasp for air‚ i feared no one would still be there.

deep down‚ i wanted to hold onto them forever‚ but my mind was consumed by the fear that they’d abandon me. i was scared — terrified‚ even:

terrified of being left behind.
terrified of being abandoned.
and so‚ i left first —
before they could leave me.

— e.s