@Dires

Worker Saves Money to Fund Wanderlust

- July 08, 2018 -

DEAR : I'm 18 and have been working a minimum-wage job for a little over a year. I've saved up a good bit of money, and it has taken a while to do, but I really want to travel. Should I be responsible and keep saving or use the money to buy a plane ticket? -- BROKE AND RESTLESS

DEAR B & R: I think you already know the answer to your question, but allow me to point out that the more money you save, the farther (and longer) you will be able to travel.


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💠 @Dires 💠

Woman's Trust in Men Is Broken After Rape by a Friend

- July 08, 2018 -

DEAR : I was raped by a man I thought was a friend. Since then, I don't accept men's opinions, including those I work for. When they try to give me constructive criticism, I shut down.

I know I need therapy. How do I get past this thing and become a productive employee? I no longer want to be just another number and/or statistic. -- GETTING PAST THIS

DEAR GETTING PAST: Not all men are rapists, and not all rapists are men. What happened to you was appalling, and I hope you reported it to the police so it won't happen to another trusting friend of his.

You know you need therapy, so why not contact a rape treatment center and ask for help now? If you do, it will help you in many areas of your life, in addition to your work environment.



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💠 @Dires 💠

Twelve-Step Programs Offer Healing for Sexual Addiction

- July 08, 2018 -

DEAR : After reading the letter from "Dumbstruck in Chicago" (April 24), who's dating a recently divorced man who was unfaithful to his ex-wife through multiple affairs and one-night stands with prostitutes, I cannot stay silent. That man screams of being a sex addict. He needs the help of a certified sex addiction therapist before he wrecks another woman's life.

"Dumbstruck" should run -- not walk -- to the nearest S-Anon meeting. It's a 12-step program for people who have been affected by another person's sexual behavior. These behaviors include infidelity by emotional or physical affairs, one-night stands with prostitutes, hanging out in strip clubs and porn addiction.

S-Anon saved my sanity and gave me the courage to offer my husband of 30 years a choice -- recovery or divorce. Because he knew I was serious, he reluctantly went into Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) as well as therapy with a certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT) and has been sexually sober for five years. Our marriage is better today than I ever dreamed it would be.

Sex addiction is a disease and needs to be recognized as the cause of ruining many marriages and tearing families apart. Please, Abby, suggest SA and S-Anon when you reply to people who write you about these issues. -- ANONYMOUS IN KENTUCKY

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Thank you for writing. I have recommended the resources you mentioned in my column in the past. Sexaholics Anonymous and S-Anon have been in existence for more than 35 years and have helped many individuals stop unhealthy, destructive cycles of behavior. There are chapters nationwide. Readers, to find a meeting near you, visit sa.org or sanon.org.

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💠 @Dires 💠

Out-of-Date Food Finds Permanent Home in Mother's Cupboards

- July 07, 2018 -

DEAR : My mom and many others share this problem. She refuses to throw away expired food. I'm not talking about something a few days past its "best used by" date; I'm talking years.

Yesterday, I found a box of bread crumbs that had expired in 2001 (I took a picture). Mom insisted that they "never really go bad." I told her she had better hope she isn't the beneficiary of the life insurance policy of anyone who eats them or she could end up as an episode of "Snapped."

Seriously, though, this is a huge problem for the elderly. I hope you will encourage your readers to help their older friends and family members by cleaning out their fridge and cabinets. I always check the expiration date before eating anything at my mom's. Thank you! -- DATE CHECKER

DEAR DATE CHECKER: Your mother is mistaken. While it is safe to consume some foods a few weeks past their expiration date, other items begin to lose their nutritional value or spoil.

I'm glad you wrote. I'm printing your letter for other readers whose older relatives think the way your mother does, so they can check the expiration dates on packages in their relatives' cupboards (and remove any bulging or rusted cans that could cause botulism, a fatal illness).

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💠 @Dires 💠

Romantic Wedding Dreams Dim in Tug-of-War Over Marriage
- July 07, 2018 -

DEAR : My boyfriend, "Pierre," and I have been a couple for 18 months. We moved in together three months ago.

The trouble is, Pierre is French, and he doesn't believe in marriage. He says it's an "outdated institution and a social construct." He also claims that no one in France gets married.

My parents are very religious, and they do not support us living in sin. They say if we have a child out of wedlock, they will cut me off completely.

What should I do? I love my family, but I also love Pierre. And I've always dreamed of having a romantic wedding with my father walking me down the aisle. I know Pierre is committed to me, but he dislikes the institution of marriage and won't budge on this. I'm 34 and my biological clock is ticking. Any advice will be appreciated. -- CONFLICTED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONFLICTED: Pierre has given you fair warning and so have your parents. Marriage exists in France just as it does here in the USA. That Pierre doesn't believe in it should be an indication that the two of you have very different definitions of what a committed relationship is, and it may be partly cultural in nature. How do you feel about that?

I think it's sad that the parents of a 34-year-old woman would threaten to cut her off if she decided to have a child without being married. If you can support one, that choice should be yours and not theirs. My advice is to stop dreaming about a romantic wedding with your father walking you down the aisle unless you can find a man with a different view of commitment than Pierre appears to have.

P.S. I once had a poodle named Pierre. He and I got along fine and marriage was never discussed.

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💠 @Dires 💠

Hurt Friend Isn't Invited to Party She Helped Put Together

- July 05, 2018 -

DEAR : My good friend injured her back, so I offered to help out with chores and errands while she recovers. One of the errands was to pick up some groceries, which included items for a barbecue party. No problem. However, I later learned she threw a grand cookout on Memorial Day, complete with boat rides, jet skis, fireworks and tons of food -- the food I picked up for her. The kicker? I wasn't invited! Am I immature for feeling angry and left out? -- TRYING TO BE AN ADULT ABOUT THIS

DEAR TRYING: I don't think you are immature. You called this woman a good friend. Unless an important fact was omitted from your letter, your feelings are normal. The only "good friend" in this relationship appears to be you.

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💠 @Dires 💠

Excitement Over First Baby Is Tempered by Anxiety Over Gender

- July 05, 2018 -

DEAR : My husband and I are pregnant, and we are arguing over the gender of the baby. We have wanted this child for a long time and had trouble conceiving. I won't care if it's a boy or a girl, but he is adamant that he wants a boy. He has even gone so far as to say that he will be disappointed if it isn't.

We find out the gender this month, and I'm not sure how to prepare or if we should even find out. Help! -- DISAPPOINTED IN OHIO

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Many men fantasize about having a son, a "mini-me" to teach sports to, just as many women dream of having a daughter and what her first prom will be like or helping her to plan her wedding. When most couples have a baby, the first thing they do is thank God the baby is born healthy.

Little girls have been known to wrap their daddies around their little fingers before they are old enough to walk. The same is true for baby boys and their mothers. Please do not take your husband's spouting off so seriously; it will pass. As to whether you should determine the sex of your baby before birth, consider this: It will give you time to color-coordinate the nursery and layette.
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💠 @Dires 💠

Woman Ready to Pursue Second Career May Have Run out of Time
- July 06, 2018 -

DEAR : I am a divorced 53-year-old woman. My children are grown, and I have a good career in HR and payroll. It's not my dream job, though. I applied to and was accepted into a Master of Architecture program, but I just found out they will accept only 12 credits from my associate's degree, which means I will need five years of full-time college to achieve my dream, while working full-time, of course.

I'll be 58 when I graduate and probably should be planning for retirement, not taking on $100,000 in student loans. Should I abandon this dream? Have I run out of time to take on such a lofty goal? Or should I just sit back and relax and travel now that my kids are grown? By the way, my retirement goal was age 72. -- NOT SURE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR NOT SURE: What you are contemplating takes a great deal of stamina. Some individuals in their 50s are up for the challenge, others not so much. Before you commit, talk to a guidance counselor at the school to explore what opportunities might be available to an older graduate with no work experience in the field.

Would you still plan to retire at 72? Your student loans could take many more years to pay off if you don't quickly become a high-earning architect, so consider your next move carefully and receive as much unbiased counsel as you can before making a final decision.

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💠 @Dires 💠

Son Strives to Revive Faded Memories of Mom Long Gone

- July 06, 2018 -

DEAR : I'm 52. My mom died when I was 11. It wasn't until I reached my mid-20s that I realized I have no memories of her, and few memories of my childhood before I was 11. Dad and I lived a few hours away from family, and after Mom passed, no one spoke about her much. I imagine that was because it was painful. She was only 29.

I never cried over her death, and I don't remember missing her as a child or teenager. There are only a handful of photos of her and a couple of passed-down stories. I understand that people block memories of traumatic events and things they don't want to remember. I remember the night it happened in detail, but not the memory of her. I have seen a few psychiatrists at different times during the course of my life to deal with stress and daily life issues, and while they were aware of my background, we never really got into this.

For some reason it's bothering me more and more now. I want to remember my mother. When I ask her friends and relatives about her, I get general answers -- she was a nice person, very loving and crafty, etc. How does someone get their memories back? I've heard hypnosis can help, but I'm not sure. Do you have any advice? -- SON LEFT BEHIND

DEAR SON: Many people are reluctant to talk about family members who have passed on because they are afraid it will be painful for the listener. Perhaps if you approached your relatives and explained why you are asking for more details, it might jog some memories. However, if that doesn't bear fruit, then talking with a mental health professional about the fact that this is increasingly bothering you would be a good idea. That person can recommend hypnosis if it's appropriate.

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@Wordnik
@Wordnik
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Bride Hopes to Keep Sister's Painful Past out of Her Wedding

- July 04, 2018 -

DEAR : I am getting married soon to the best guy ever, and I couldn't be more excited. My older sister is my maid of honor, and she has been doing an amazing job with the planning of my bachelorette party, showers, etc.

Two years ago, my sister was engaged to a man named "Sean." Six months before their wedding, Sean broke the engagement without warning, and along with it, my sister's and my family's hearts. About a month ago, they decided to get back together and are trying to make things work.

My fiance and I have decided not to invite Sean to our wedding. We believe it's too soon for him to be around the family, but more importantly, we don't think our wedding day is an appropriate time for him to be "re-introduced." Is it selfish to exclude him from our nuptials? How should we tell my sister? -- SELFISH IN THE WEST

DEAR SELFISH: I'm glad you asked. While it's your right as the bride to exclude whomever you choose, it would be selfish and I strongly advise you -- for the sake of future family harmony -- not to do this. Your sister has been doing everything she can to make this milestone event in your life wonderful. To exclude Sean would be a poor way to thank her for her efforts.

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💠 @Dires 💠

Disapproving Son Tries to Put an End to Mother's Romance

- July 04, 2018 -

DEAR : I am a 64-year-old widow who lost my husband 5 1/2 years ago. I became reacquainted with a former classmate at a high school reunion, and we started dating. He makes me laugh, takes me to dinner and movies, and we have a great time together.

One night, I let him stay over because he was going to go to church with me the next morning. He lives 45 minutes away. My son drove by (intentionally), saw his car and confronted us at church in front of people. He walked up to my friend and said, "Well, how did you enjoy your sleepover at my mother's house last night?" This was the first time they had ever met!

Their bitterness toward each other has escalated, and now my son has given me an ultimatum: Choose between his family or my friend. He has my only grandchildren.

I am so depressed, I don't know what to do. I don't want my son dictating my life, but I want to see my grandchildren. They truly are the most important people in my life. I could break up with my friend, but then my son would think he won. Any thoughts? -- SO, SO SAD

DEAR SAD: You are all adults. Your son was a mile out of line to do what he did. Why would he be patrolling your home? Personally, I think what he did was a little sick.

This is not a question of winning or losing. For your own sake, you must not allow him to tell you how to conduct your personal life. I would recommend family therapy for all of you if your self-righteous son would agree. But if he won't, my advice to you is to live your own life.

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💠 @Dires 💠

Summer Heat Poses Added Risk to Kids in Cars

- July 03, 2018 -

DEAR : Please repeat a warning to your readers. Here in Tennessee, at least two young children have died recently as the result of being left inside a parent's car on a hot day. Although many, if not most, states have passed laws against leaving children alone in a parked car (as well as people with disabilities and pets), too often those laws are ignored, knowingly or unknowingly. People still don't understand how dangerously hot the interior of a car or truck can get, and how quickly it can happen.

The temperature inside a car with the windows rolled up can rise as much as 20 degrees in 10 minutes. Within an hour, the interior of a car can easily become hot enough to cause heatstroke, which can prove fatal to children, an elderly or disabled person, or a pet. Even on cloudy days, inside temperatures can reach dangerous levels.

Because of this risk, the National Weather Service uses a slogan: "Look Before You Lock!" TV and radio stations across the country have joined this effort, and a number of websites and videos are available that focus on this important message. Dear, would you please print this commonsense reminder? -- TOM IN FAIRVIEW, TENN.

DEAR TOM: I'm pleased to join this campaign to save lives. Readers, if you are transporting loved ones -- including your pets -- resolve to stay focused on their safety rather than the next task on your to-do list. These tragedies seem to happen when drivers are so distracted by what has to be done next that they forget about what's going on in the present.

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💠 @Dires 💠

Long-Distance Love May Be Drifting Even Further Apart

- July 03, 2018 -

DEAR : I am a retired male. My girlfriend is still working. We have been exclusive for three years. We live 300 miles apart, but see each other every two or three weeks for at least three days and, until now, have had a very good relationship.

The problem is, she's saying she wants to socialize with her ex-husband, who lives in her town. They have been divorced for eight years, but she wants to see him occasionally in a "social setting," not just when it pertains to their two adult children, who live out of state.

I understand that they need to have a relationship because of their family, but I have trouble accepting their getting together to socialize. She has removed pictures of me from her Facebook so as not to offend the ex and banned me from her son's wedding. She has told me she doesn't want me to attend any future family events where the ex is present. Am I being unreasonable or immature in not accepting this situation? -- READY TO JUMP SHIP

DEAR READY: You are neither immature nor unreasonable. It would be interesting to know your girlfriend's definition of "getting together" because it may involve more than being in a social setting. That she has removed images of you from her Facebook and no longer wants you to attend family celebrations tells me, as it should you, that more may be going on with her ex than she has told you (yet). I'm sorry, but I suggest you prepare yourself for some worse news, because it appears to me your romance is heading south.

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💠 @Dires 💠

Pets Frightened by Fireworks Need Extra Attention When Outside

Jul 02, 2018 - Letter 3 of 3

DEAR : Every year in my neighborhood, "lost dog" signs appear the day after the Fourth of July. Would you please print a reminder to dog owners that noise from fireworks can cause pets to become so frightened they bolt from home and become lost. Keep your pets inside anytime you can hear fireworks.

On the Fourth, which is noisy all day, when my dogs have to go out, I go out with them (even though I have a fenced yard). I want to be able to see them every second. Better safe than sorry. -- PET LOVER IN BARNHART, MISSOURI

DEAR PET LOVER: I'm sure my readers will be grateful for your timely reminder. And while we're on the subject of lost pets, this would be a good time to ensure that your dog (or cat) is properly identified with a microchip or ID tag in case it does manage to get away from you.



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💠 @Dires 💠

Visits to Inmate Lead to Talk of Marriage

Jul 02, 2018 - Letter 2 of 3


DEAR : I'm talking with a guy who's in prison. He has eight months before he gets out. Do you think it's wrong for me to keep talking with him? Is it wrong to date someone in prison? I go visit him. He wants to marry me when he gets out. He talks about how God has changed his life since he's been in prison. -- WONDERING IN THE EAST

DEAR WONDERING: While it is possible to write to, talk to and visit someone who is in prison, it is not possible to "date" someone who is locked behind bars. While it is not wrong to talk to him, please understand that when he is released, his circumstances will be different.

Rather than talking about marriage at this point, he should be thinking about how he will find a job and reintegrate himself into the real world. You should not jump into a lifetime commitment with him until he has done that. God may have changed his life while he has been in prison, but that doesn't mean the task is done. He will have to continue to work on changing his life himself.

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💠 @Dires 💠