r/SuicideWatch

32, unemployed, no friends or anything. Life feels ruined beyond repair.

I get the impression that "older people" don't post on here so maybe no one can relate to this.

I just blew up at the dinner table. I was talking about how I wanted to move out and my sister said "oh for gods sake" I assume sarcastically because I say this a lot but don't do it (how can I without a job)? My dad said I was scuppered because of the lockdown. I took that comment negatively. I felt like they were both mocking me and I got mad. I am frustrated and feel trapped.

I last worked a year ago and that was only a temp job. I have no prospects. I am long term unemployed. I worked hard in school and got a bachelors and a masters in physics, but it hasn't helped in any way. I'm not even that interested in physics. I was always a Jack of all trades and was encouraged to go to university like it was the only option, so I chose something that was remotely interesting.

I have not had a friend since 2012. Everyone moved on many years ago and have children of their own now.

I got my driver's licence 13 years ago but have never had my own car. I am mostly a shut-in. Sometimes I practice in my dad's car and I run a few times a week, but I spend most of my time inside the house. It has been this way since high school.

I am depressed and also struggle to socialise. I have little desire to socialise, maybe because of depression. I am awkward and sometimes anxious. Job hunting makes me extremely anxious so that is probably another reason why I gave up. The anxiety eats me alive.

I told my mum that my life is ruined. It upset her. I talked about walking in front of a train (someone my family knew did this recently... ironically he was also a depressed introvert who studied physics). I told her I need medication. She came up to my room and showed me a webpage for a mens self-help group, bless her.

I don't know how I can turn things around. I know that my life is going nowhere, but I am apathetic and defeated.

I am increasingly depressed, paranoid, angry and bitter. I feel trapped and like I never grew up. It seems like life comes easier to other people.

I am apathetic even about suicide, that is how dead I feel inside. Everything is a blurr. Everything means nothing to me. I can't make sense of it all.

In the end, it won't matter if I suicide. My parents might live for another 20 or more years (they are 70 now) but otherwise it will not affect anyone else or anything. It is logical for me to step in front of that train because it will remove me from all of my troubles. It will stop the mental torment. If my parents weren't here the urge to suicide would be insurmountable because they are all I have.

The fact that I am even typing all of this, alone, in my bedroom, on a warm summers evening in August shows you how messed up I am. Think of all my old friends and what they are doing right now... watching TV with their partners? Playing with their children? Socialising on the patio with their friends? At a restaurant?

My life never even started...

https://redd.it/i5jf9r
@r_suicidewatch

I’m too much of a pussy to post here

Don’t be like me, talk about it. Please. Get it out of your system, it might be good for you

https://redd.it/i5da5m
@r_suicidewatch

i’m going to jump today

i quit my job because of a conflict with a coworker. my girlfriend broke up with me and she’s moving across the country for college in 2 weeks. i have no friends, barely any family left, and no drive or motivation to be a living human being. i don’t even have health insurance. i don’t know what else to do.

anyways, here’s a quick poem i wrote for my girlfriend of 1 year. we’re young, and that’s not very long. but i love her dearly:

i’ve asked you to drive me
home from the parking lot,
and i’ve asked you to sleep
next to me one last time

now i ask that you write
“do not resuscitate” in big
letters on my back
and that you tell me
all of the things that
you haven’t been able to say

and when i only have seven
minutes left to see and hear,
i ask that your face is the
last image and that your
voice is the last sound that
i experience

https://redd.it/i5fw0b
@r_suicidewatch

I overdosed yesterday

Why am I still alive? I’ll try again next year

https://redd.it/i5dyw8
@r_suicidewatch

I'm basically dead already

My consciousness is already dead. The only thing that's left is to wait until my physical body gives out.

https://redd.it/i5cnm8
@r_suicidewatch

I'm so tired of living. I've given up on life mentally and now I want to give up physically.



https://redd.it/i5dgtt
@r_suicidewatch

I woke up...alive??

I am so confused.

I am supposed to be dead.

Yesterday I tried EVERYTHING.

I put a bag over my head and attempted that three times. Then I proceeded to try and cut myself but I was so bad at it.

By this point I had a set of bleeding scars all over my body (I’m a teen girl who lives in a tropical climate so I had never really cut in my arms before).

I then dressed myself in a hoodie and jeans and headed to the river. I jumped in and tried to drown myself, taking huge gulps of water. I couldn’t. I was coughing up so much water and walked in shame towards my home.

THEN, I popped every single medication that I had into my mouth. I only remember getting a really bad stomach ache and puking twice.

I woke up!?

God, how hard is to die. I suppose the pills didn’t work. Now I can’t hide the scars on my arms and I can’t simply tell my mother “hey, yes, you know those dozens of tablets of expensive medication we had? Well, I swallowed them all.”

Man, fuck all this bullshit.

(I can still feel the water in my lungs...)

https://redd.it/i5dbbd
@r_suicidewatch

How to tell Therapist I have been planning suicide without getting hospitalized?

Hi all,

I have a therapy appointment this afternoon. I like my therapist and I want to share with her I have been having suicidal thoughts, to the point I have been experimenting with different ways to hang myself via belt on door handle. However, I am afraid she will require that I be hospitalized, which to me is a waste of time and has put me in tens of thousands of dollars in medical debt in the past (I'm in USA obviously).

Is there a way I can disclose to her I am having these thoughts without being immediately hospitalized?

Thanks.

https://redd.it/i5d1d7
@r_suicidewatch

Dying truly seems like the only option

I can't stop thinking that it's inevitable I'm going to either die before I'm 35 or be buried in crushing medical debt that wouldn't be worth saving me in the first place. Every time I get sick again I think I should just put myself down and save my loved ones the trouble. Idk what to do I'll never have enough money to go somewhere better and I'm always going to be sick. It feels so inevitable I don't see the point in beating around the bush anymore.

https://redd.it/i5bzhe
@r_suicidewatch

I don’t bring anyone happiness

I found this subreddit with a google of “I don’t deserve to live” and I really don’t. I don’t know if I’m going to do it yet. Lately, I’ve been contemplating walking out of my house and hopping on a train and going to the nearest big city and just existing there, in the streets, with no warning.

I’m afraid to die. I’m afraid of what’s out there- or what isn’t. It’s one of the few things that’s kept me here so far.

I know the usual advice. I know that my family will miss me. I know that I’ll bring them pain. But really, they’ll get over it. They’ll realize that I’ll stop being the burden that I am to them. Their lives will become easier as they will no longer have to support me emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, financially. They will be free. They will be free of me, even if it will take time for them to realize it. What better gift could I give to them?

I am nothing. I have done nothing important, I will not do anything important. I don’t have it in me to make this situation better. I will continue to be nothing but a burden to the people I love who love me until the day I die.

I know the advice that this is temporary... but it isn’t, really. There could be good parts of my life, but the bad will always come back. The bad will always exist. I can not reverse the problems in my brain that prevent me from living the way I want to. I have tried so many medications, so many different types of therapy, so many types of thinking. I always come back to the same thing: this is the way I was wired and it cannot be fixed.

I was the same. I am the same. I will always be the same.

I am a burden. I have done nothing with my life. Few people care, and the few people that care are the people I hurt. I will never be anything important. If I become important to specific people, either I will eventually hurt them or they will eventually hurt me. How long can I keep doing this? I don’t think I can do it much longer,

I don’t want to, which is why I’m posting here. I want *someone* to convince me to live. I want *someone* to convince me that I deserve to, that I’m more than what I think I can.

I’m doubtful anyone will achieve this. I know what I am. I know I’m going to be on the streets soon, and I know it would be helpful for me to either get rid of myself by living there or by stopping my existence. Maybe I’m manic. I don’t know. I just want this to fucking stop.

https://redd.it/i56c9i
@r_suicidewatch

I'm so exhausted and the thought of dying feels so natural and so right.

I'm tired of the unfairness of the world, I'm tired of being sad and lonely, I'm tired of never having enough money to get by. I just want to kill myself. I want to go back to the nothingness like before I was born. This world and this life was something I was never meant to experience. It's all hurt, and sadness and decay and rot. I don't care. There's a certain freedom in that. Fuck life. It's short and shitty. Fuck people. They don't give a fuck about anyone else. Fuck the universe and existence and their cold indifference. The sooner I can end my life the better. I'm sick if this shit. I hope I die in my sleep tonight.

https://redd.it/i5ac1q
@r_suicidewatch

no one cares

no one cares about what i have to say either online or not. i feel worthless, i can't even get likes or upvotes. i'm a waste but i'm not gonna kms cause i've already failed and i'm a coward so i don't know why i'm posting here besides the fact that this community is actually the nicest one i've found on reddit.

no matter how hard i try to fill my heart with meaningless shit like tv and music and food it doesn't matter. i'm still hollow and living my life as if i'm in some type of play. i used to be a good writer... well, clearly, i'm not anymore. i try to write poetry but i hate every word that comes out of my mouth. whatever

https://redd.it/i56n8m
@r_suicidewatch

I can’t stop thinking about killing myself

It’s seriously all I think about. I’m so tired its unbearable. I’m physically exhausted because I haven’t been able to sleep and I’m so emotionally drained.

I have absolutely no one.
I’ve done a lot of stupid stuff and it’s pushed all of my friends away and I think about it now and I deserve to be where I am.
I deserve to be alone I deserve to have people hate me and dislike me.
I deserve to feel like this .

I just don’t wanna deal with any of this any more tho.

https://redd.it/i5921s
@r_suicidewatch

What I hope is my final message, but probably won’t be

I just wanted to start by saying this isn’t anyone’s fault but my own. I pretty much deserve to die. I plan on killing myself using a new supply of a pill bottle I got. I honestly feel like such shit and I have for pretty much 5 months. To all of my friends, family, and my girlfriend, I love you. This all started years ago and I don’t really know why. I’ve always had low self esteem, so what made it so bad? People say I’m a good person, so shouldn’t it help? I can’t keep lying to myself like this. I’ve been suicidal for so long to the point where my emotions and me venting publicly actually made people angry/annoyed. I was too dramatic. I made a mistake. It’s an endless cycle of sadness for me. I always find a way to make someone I love upset, which is normal in most cases, but in my case, it’s directly a cause of my mental illness. What’s the point in living if it’s suffering? “Oh, it gets better” everyone says. But what if I don’t want to wait for it to get better? It’s bullshit for me to have to feel like utter garbage 24/7 and have to wait to feel better. I just want to be done with life already. I’m tired of bothering people I love. The most pathetic part is I want to kill myself so bad but I just always get too scared and can’t. Why is it like this? Why can’t I just do it? I can’t start school in the condition I’m in either. I can’t even imagine the hellhole I’m going to be in with everything I’m going through now. I don’t even know if I can do this anymore. I just need to sleep for a long, long time. I want to be reborn as a person who people aren’t easily bothered by and who isn’t always too sad to do anything. Anytime I’ve put my mind to something and get motivated like running, it doesn’t do shit to improve my mental health. I ran for about 6 months, and it didn’t do shit for me. I maybe felt good once. Does anyone know how I can just kill myself already? Please, someone help me. Just someone.

https://redd.it/i57q70
@r_suicidewatch

Is it bad that killing myself honestly seems like the best way forward?

I'm not depressed, I don't hate my life, I just don't have any plans or goals. I don't necessarily want to die, I just don't care to keep living. It's like playing a video game I'm bored of. Why would I keep playing?

https://redd.it/i57cn1
@r_suicidewatch

Sometimes I sit to the side of the road next to the entrance of my apartment complex looking for basic human interaction

I try to act silly and funny when cars go by hoping they just smile or wave. Something like that I hope that i see a kid my age walking buy or in the distance I see someone playing with someone. I’m so loneleyl. I see people on tv who have these amazing friends when I have to force people to talk to me. Part of me just wants to lay in the middle of the road in the middle of the night and a car just run me over

https://redd.it/i54vz1
@r_suicidewatch

How do I tell my parents that I feel suicidal?

I've suffered from anxiety and depression for a few years, but I've never told my parents or anyone else about it. Lately it's been getting really bad because school is fucking stressing me out, and I honestly just want to hang myself before I can disappoint anyone any further. I know I'm too much of a pussy to ever do it though, so my question to you guys is how do I get help? I know that my parents would do what they can to get me into therapy and all that, but I have no idea how to even bring it up with them. I don't want to be any more of a burden to them than I already am.

https://redd.it/i56k60
@r_suicidewatch

It hursts seeing your friends have fun when your at home thinking about whether or not you should live.

No one knows that I’m going though this so I can’t really blame her for ignoring me. When I do bring up my feelings and how she hurt me, it always turns into an argument. “Oh so you’re saying I’m just a bad friend?” And then when I don’t tell her it’s “you never tell me anything.” I’m so tired of having to tell her what to do or how to make things up to me. We’ve been friends for 6 years, I wish she just knew to apologize without being contradicting and defensive. When she tells me that she’s hurt I beg her to tell me why. I make sure to sit down with her and get to the bottom of things until she feels better.
Anyway, all of that is just useless drama and doesn’t have a lot to do with me thinking of killing myself, but it sure doesn’t make it easier to live. Basically it sucks that I hate myself and my friends seem to hate me too.

https://redd.it/i53sce
@r_suicidewatch

Thank you all

The people of this subreddit are very kind and thoughtful you helped me through a rough time.

Thank you

https://redd.it/i53dq8
@r_suicidewatch

The most irritating thing to hear about having depression and being suicidal

I've been doing nothing this summer. I have not finished anything not even the tiniest thing, I'm burned out on everything. Video games, porn, life. People always tell me to stay away from it to achieve "true" happiness. They say "seek out someone in life who loves you", which will end up with me being an "immature red flag asshole" because I have emotions. Then if I call them out on it, they say I am one based on my post only.

If only it were that easy.

They all say it's easy. Fuck them. They all say I have a life ahead of me or that I'm so young to even think about suicide. Fuck them. They all say I'm not experienced enough for anything and that's why I have depression. Fuck them all.

>"*Do something about it then!*"

is something I hear every time I complain. They never listen. It's like they're all programmed to say that line everytime you complain. If I point it out they call me a bitch or a crybaby for complaining furthermore.

>"*Call a hotline or get in therapy/see a psychologist! Your situation is the same as everyone else's.*"

is the most dull answer to this. So bland, so generic and so utterly dismissive of the situation. The last line is not present in these replies, but it's there. What happens if I call them out for it? "Dude, obviously you've never been in therapy, fuck off, it saved me!" etc. Yes, you. Not everyone is the same. Not everyone has the courage or the energy to go to therapy. "Well, work out then!". Didn't you hear what just I said?

>"*You don't want to get help because you seek attention! Fucking bitch! I'll report you!".

This is perhaps the worst response ever to someone contemplating their own life (choices). Yes, go ahead and fuel the desire to end my fucking life. Thank you so very much. Say anything against it and you're a "troll". Thanks.


**Stop this, please. You can help people but if you help someone in all of these steps I mentioned above you really need to think again. You never know if you hurt someone in the process.**

https://redd.it/i509ug
@r_suicidewatch