How Many People Have I Killed?
https://benjamindavis.substack.com/p/how-many-people-have-i-killedI’ve worked really hard over the years to stop thinking about killing people.
There are times my limits are tested—but, for the most part, I am able to let those thoughts float by. Sure, the hipster kid in front of me in line who won’t stop talking about his favorite kombucha instead of paying for his oat milk latte might deserve to be set on fire.
And yeah, you could justify flaying that girl alive who stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to take a selfie.
As you might do to people who take the elevator down one floor, couples who stand side-by-side on escalators, and people who talk in movie theaters.
You know. Bad people.
I learned at a young age that you’re not supposed to kill these people—even if you want to—even if they are standing right there—just right on the edge of that subway platform watching a film on their phone on full volume with no headphones. It wouldn’t be hard. You could just kinda jostle them on your way by—NO!
No.
No.
And, I was well into my teens before I learned I was not the only one who frequently had these thoughts. Almost everyone does—well, all cool people anyway. They’re called “intrusive thoughts.”
But what made me feel different was that I didn’t just have these thoughts about people who deserve it (like guys who play guitar unprompted at parties).
They came randomly—like brain sneezes.
I might be standing, watching a parade on the Fourth of July, happily licking ice cream as the baby in the carriage beside me waves an adorable little American flag. And in this beautiful moment, my brain might just toss out:
Hey, what if you threw that baby right now? I tried different ways to combat these thoughts—If I felt a ‘
throw-that-baby’ thought coming on, I’d try to think something pleasant like:
POPSICLES! I LOVE POPSICLES!And that sort of worked—so long as I wasn’t annoyed or standing on a roof next to someone.
Then two things ruined my life.
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