Sickipedia

Daughter: ‘Mum, i'm dating the neighbour next door.’
Mother: " But he could be your father..."

Daughter: " Age doesn´t count for me, Mom."

Mother: " I don´t think you understand..."

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards."
Me: "And?"

#wordplay@Sickipedia

A man went to the movies and was surprised to find a woman with a big collie sitting in front of him.
A man went to the movies and was surprised to find a woman with a big collie sitting in front of him. Even more amazing was the fact that the dog always laughed in the right places through the comedy.

"Excuse me," the man said to the woman, "but I think it's astounding that your dog enjoys the movie so much."

"I am surprised myself, " she replied. "He hated the book."

#other@Sickipedia

Why don’t witches use the most popular dating apps?
Because their ancestors had bad experiences with matches on Tinder…

#wordplay@Sickipedia

"I can't find a cause for your illness", the doctor told his patient, "Frankly, I think it may be due to drinking"
"In that case" replied the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"

#wordplay@Sickipedia

A man in his final moments of life asks his wife of 50 years…

“Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.” "I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 17 more votes?"

#sexandshit@Sickipedia

Why does Ariel wear sea-shells as a bra?
Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big!

#wordplay@Sickipedia

A father and son are out in a field and the father says "Son everything you see before you will be yours when I die"
The son replies: but father I'm blind, I can't see anything?
The father says: yes and I'm poor

#other@Sickipedia

My granny was 80% Irish.
People called her Iris.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

My therapist just told me: From now on, please make an effort to forget all the people who have hurt you.
I replied: I will.

Then she told me: "Today's appointment is 500 dollars."

I asked her: "Do i know you?"

#other@Sickipedia

someone asked me if i can name a country with no "r"
i said no way

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Superman calls to Lois Lane, "Lois come in here a second! I want you to see something."
Lois comes into the room and says, "What is it?"

Superman points across the room at their dog, whom he has dressed up with glasses and a tie.

Lois says, "... who the hell is that?"

#other@Sickipedia

Doctor: The problem is that you sit too much during the day.
Me: I understand.

Doctor: That’s exactly right.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

My best friend admitted to using an escort service.
He's buy sexual.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I politely complimented my wife on a quilt that she recently made. I thought she'd be happy, but instead, she gave me a long explanation of why it's a blanket, not a quilt.
If you ask me, she's being a little knit picky.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

There's a key for everything, even a key to open bananas.
It's called monkey.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I spent my entire life savings on pasta
It was worth every penne.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, 'How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?
He winked at me and said, 'I'm off duty in ten minutes — meet me in the car park.

#sexandshit@Sickipedia

I got a call from school telling me that my son connected a battery to the classroom doorknob.
When the teacher found out, he was shocked. When he got home, I told him he is grounded. He was regretful and did not resist. He is punished until he learns how to conduct himself.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

My English teacher was incarcerated for 10 years for having sex with me in high school. So I decided to ask her to marry me when she got out. But it didn't work. Apparently,
You can't end a sentence with a proposition.

#wordplay@Sickipedia