Funny Stories

When mice attack

I was about 7 or 8 years old when I moved with my parents to the country. We had just moved into this beautiful house that still to this day, miss ever so much. This house was huge, had neighbours with children my age to play with, and all the space you could imagine to explore and do our awesome things. Our backyard was huge: we had a giant deck, a 5ft deep above ground pool, a beautiful willow tree which dad helped build into a fort for my brother and I, and adding an addition of a tire swing. We had a jungle gym, horse shoe pits, and 2 wild gardens. Having a backyard of this size was not something my family and I were used too. Dad soon realized that a push mower was not going to cut it anymore (no pun intended). He had went out and picked a lawn tractor he liked, and brought it home. However- the lawn was already cut, but he wanted to test this puppy out. He and my mother decide that the wild gardens can go- we were never going to tend to it, and with these gardens being in the middle of the yard, it made sense to just cut them down. The plants growing were so tall, and you could see the bugs doing their things amongst the flowers. Dad starts up his mower, and away he goes- the amount of critters that came out was shocking- frogs, chipmunks, birds, bugs, you name it. As I’m watching, an innocent mouse comes running out and I lock on target, and start chasing it. I’m giggling and just having a great time until the mouse stops. Mouse looks at me and I, him and he starts charging at me! He runs up my leg and makes it to my hip before I click in that the fun is over and I start screaming. Mouse is now chasing me around the backyard and all I can hear is laughter from the audience as I try to escape the jaws of a killer mouse. I jump and balance myself on the pole sticking up from the horse shoe pit in an attempt to flee, but this mouse is still trying to get at me. He is jumping and trying to climb the pole. My dad comes to the rescue and picks me up and carries me to the house as I wipe my tears of horror and beg to be taken inside. I’m pretty sure that I didn’t leave the house for the rest of the day in hopes that mouse had forgotten about wanting to kill me. To this day, I still don’t like mice very much.

https://redd.it/htved6
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Adult children

Today my brother and his girlfriend came over for the day. We’ve been shooting the shit, playing games, eating food- all around a wonderful day. I have lived in the same small town for about 17 years, and there’s an abandoned church with a graveyard up the street. We thought today would be a great day to break and enter this church.
I am a respectful person- I would never damage anything, my curiosity had taken over and I wanted to see what it was like inside and see all the cool and old history of said church.
We tried to get in a couple of the doors without any luck. We had found a window that we could open from the outside, but it was too high to reach. I grabbed a bucket I had seen earlier and we set it under the window. My brother had taken the leader position and climbed in so he could open the door for us in the front.
We were only in there for 5-10mins until we had the feeling that maybe we should leave.
As we exited, a lady from across the road thought we were children, which might I add we are adults..
She starts yelling at us, and saying that there is surveillance and that she was going to call the cops. I think, “Yeah okay, she’s trying to spook us out- whatever.”
Well, sure as shit there is a police officer knocking on my door. I was up front with him and honest. He had taken our information and went on his way.
I am a 30 year old woman, and I’m getting the cops called on me for entering an abandoned church.
It was kind of a nice feeling in a weird and twisted way- almost like I was a teenager again.
So, tomorrow I will be going to this ladies house to apologize, as a grown-up would do. I wonder what kind of shit I’m going to get into now. 🤷🏻‍♀️

https://redd.it/htu6wm
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Bamboozled

My two year old had went💩on the potty a few times when assisted and I would give her a dollar, she puts the money in her piggy bank.one day she comes in the living room with no diaper and I said “I pooped”
I was expecting 💩to be everywhere, luckily it wasn’t it was in her potty. So I cleaned everything up , gave her a dollar , and let her call everyone and tell them. This happens 4 times. On the 5th time I see her look like she has to go but she didn’t notice. I watched her walk to her potty and dumb her 💩in the potty then turn to run out and tell me but seen me instead and just smiled and said “it’s a turtle”
I just got hustled by a 2 year old and I’ve never been so proud

https://redd.it/htt62h
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A pub abroad shares my name

I’m a nerd who likes looking at stuff like domain names and private car registration plates. I’m also a megalomaniac and often search for my own name in these things. Through this, I randomly discovered a bar in a foreign country that shares my name. Awesome.

I contacted them, basically saying my name is the same as their bar olol, and that’s it. The owner sent me a beer menu and pricelist. They brew their own beer and it also has my name! I asked if they had glasses with the name of the bar on, and how much shipping to England would be. He did indeed have customised glasses but it turned out shipping was very expensive so I said thanks but no thanks.

He said he had a friend, Leslie from the village, coming to England who could bring me a glass. We arranged to meet up at a service station not too far from my house. I missed the message he sent when he arrived in England and by the time I’d seen it, he was in his new home quite far away from me.

I really want that glass. In one of the landlord’s messages he said ‘your beer is on its way’ so maybe it’s not just a glass. His English isn’t great though so maybe he got mixed up. Only one way to find out, really - I’ll drive to Leslie.

Leslie sent me his address. It’s 2 hours and 14 minutes from my house. It’s 126 miles from my house. That’s a 252 mile, or a 4 hour and 34-minute round trip. For a glass. A glass with my name on from a bar with my name in a foreign country though. [Worth it](https://i.makeagif.com/media/9-13-2016/yonR55.gif).

So, on Tuesday I will leave my house at 8am and drive to Leslie. Hopefully I don’t get bummed, or worse.

Predictions?

https://redd.it/htqvwe
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my little adventure that traumatized my mom.

so this story is both funny and scary. funny to the rest of us but scary if you were my parents. so when i was 4 or 5 i had become best friends with my cousin (side note we still are the best of friends to this day we are both 21), and i wanted to see him. So one day when i was playing in the front yard and my dad was just watering the flowers, I decided very stupidly to go see my cousin and started walking down the road. now the place we lived was a very small and peaceful town, but we were new hear so this was still a dumb idea. as i'm walk down the neighborhood at some point i get to a house with another child playing in the front yard, as we started playing his mom comes out and takes us inside and makes us sandwiches, then we continued to play in the backyard. now before i continue i just wanted to make it clear. the mother of the child i was playing with had no bad intentions, she was just kind of dumb because she never questioned where i came from. meanwhile my parents are frantically looking for me, they got neighbors to help look for me and even got the police involved. meanwhile i was playing tag and sliding down the kids slide in the backyard. eventually the cops where going door to door asking people if the had seen me. they got to the house i was at, the mom told them well there is this kid playing with my son, they took me back home, and my parents hugged me and told me never do it again. well i do look back at this story and laugh, i also feel like a dumb-ass.

Thank you for listening to my story, sorry for any spelling mistakes.

https://redd.it/htnqx9
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Car Wash From The Inside

One time I was in the car waiting for my dad to finish up some work stuff and I had to take a piss so badly. Unfortunately I couldn’t drive at the time nor did I have service to call him and tell him to hurry up,but I remember being on the verge of pissing myself until I found one of those small plastic water bottles in the car. I thought that this would do the job even though it was tiny, so I proceeded to do my business. Everything was going great until I realized I didn’t stop peeing even after I filled the whole damn thing up and piss flew all over the car. Honestly if he didn’t take another 10 minutes to finally get to the car, I wouldn’t have had time to clean up the disgusting mess I made. To this day there are no traces left of any piss stains in the car and I am glad.

https://redd.it/ht4k4t
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Wrong place and wrong time

So me and my fiance have been dating for a few years and she really seems to set me in the mood. Awhile back i got into a hit and run nothing major no air bag deployment nothing. Well i usually go and pick her up for lunch at her place of employment well while waiting for her i was rummaging through my car and found a pair of her panties and well let’s just say I had a half and hr to do a naughty deed I know what most of you are thinking what a sick @$!? Yes I know but it happened well then as Im going to town on myself my airbag deploys and all I remember was a huge bang and waking up with my dick in my hand and a bloody nose and my fiance banging on the window my car automatically locks all the time. So yeah super awkward

https://redd.it/hsynpf
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An unexpected ‘swim’

I live at my parents house, and they have a huge open field behind the backyard, and a mini forest off to the right of the backyard with a creek flowing in behind, so naturally there is a lot of wildlife playing on the property.
One morning I went to go sit in the backyard for my breakfast of coffee and a cigarette when I seen a baby squirrel. He was slow, shaky, and didn’t look like he was doing very well. I had put out some water and some crackers with peanut butter for him, and went so far as building him a little shelter if he was to make it through the day.
As I was following him around for about an hour, he had what I would describe as a seizure and passed away. I called for my mother, and she scooped him up and tried to give him a mini CPR, with no prevail. I was upset- I’m a huge nature lover.
Mum brought up the idea to give him a little burial. We found a beautiful piece of drift wood to lay him on, and added some flowers around him. We were going to place him in the creek and let him float to somewhere beautiful. As my mum approaches the creek, I stand behind her in a salute stance, preparing for the baby squirrel to be placed on the water so he can start his afterlife journey.
The mud surrounding the creek sucked mum in, and she had fallen backwards right on her butt, and little baby squirrel turned into a flying baby squirrel! Mum starts laughing and asks for my assistance- as I approach and grab hold of her arm, I too get suctioned into the mud and we both fall, having my mum sitting on my lap, our legs in the creek and soaking wet with a deceased baby squirrel floating next to us. We laugh to the point of tears, and manage to get out of what I like to call quick-mud.
Something so sad, turned into a hilarious story of two women trying to give a celebration of life. 🤷🏻‍♀️

https://redd.it/hsoy3x
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I gave an online creep something he didn’t expect

So, basically one year ago someone I didnt expect or know at all sent me an ‘interesting’ DM. I was confused and tried looking to see if he was in a server I was in, but since a lot of them had tons of members online I couldn’t really see his name. It started of innocent with him saying ‘Hello’ and me saying it back, we got into a convo but I slowly started getting a bit suspicious when he went into more NSFW content, even though I wasn’t talking about anything remotely similar lol. He asked how old I was and when I said I was 15 he said he was 18. I was a little creeped out and thought I had caught one of those creepy perverts you see in YT exposing videos and so I decided to play along with him to see if I could get dirt on him. We talked for a good 2 hours however he eventually asked if I’d like to see his ‘special sword’ since we were talking about medieval RPG. Little did I know his special sword turned out to be a pic of his you know what. I was very grossed out but acted innocent and then he said ‘Why don’t we call? I’m getting bored and I’d love to see you’. He did ask for a pic of me before but I refused to send one saying that ‘My parents told me not to send pictures of myself to strangers’. So I guess he thought this would be an easier way of doing it? He also said that if I went on video call and ‘showed him something’ he’d basically give me half his inventory on this warfare game I played and apparantly he did to, he knew the names of the gear and equipment so I didn’t doubt he played it, but it was obvious this was the dumbest attempt at getting NSFW pictures from someone who is obsessed with online RPG. Because I had basically enough of him I decided to accept his request and we started a video call. But he turned his camera on first. He asked me how I was and if I could turn on my camera and help him ‘get started’, before I turned on my camera I said ‘Okay well..are you ready?’ In a timid voice and he said ‘Don’t be shy’. So I turned on my camera. But he’ wasn’t greeted with me how he was expecting, instead I had my phone held up to the camera and had Rick astley never gonna give you up playing. He looked irritated. I ended the call and told him to get off discord. Then blocked him. This is a fun story I tell my friends at sleepovers.

https://redd.it/hrxljc
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Read this!!!



Ever had a bad day that quickly turned into a good day? :D Okay, so today was going pretty normal and my mom sent me to the convenient store near our house. So I went on my bike, shopping bag on the right handle with a soda bottle in it (the glass ones you can use to buy another one.)
You might have an idea of where this is going. Anyways, i was near the store, like just some few feet away, and the bottle suddenly got stuck on the wheel. I'm sure you can guess what happened
next, but either way I'm still gonna tell you. So as expected in those situations, i topple over the front of the bike, which took the wind out of me when i hit my stomach with the front. My hands and right arm scraping
on the floor and to top it all off, (literally and metaphorically), the bike fell on me (told you literally). I was lucky no one saw me as there was no one out much because of the heat in the afternoon.
Okay, now skip to some minutes later, I'm back home, washing and disinfecting y wounds, mom scolded me a bit, etc. My uncle sent me for a soda, (I bought my mom another one uwu), so when I was walking to the convenient store this time cuz the bottle was still stuck on the wheel. And on the way to the store, I found 50 pesos on the ground. My mom said it was probably for the fall that I had, like the universe or whatever witnessed my fall and apologized for it. All in all, its been a weird but fun day XD

Don't know if this counts as funny, but i found it hilarious.

P.S. The bottle's still stuck

https://redd.it/hrdp0l
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A Car Situation........

This happen like 9 years ago, I was with my mom she was driving back home because she picked me up after school. After we finally got to our place my mom was like hurry up and get out of the car since I was being slow as hell she left and went inside. At that point I hear the clicking sounds of the car and my stupid mind thought "She lock me in." I was in full panic after hearing those and i'm like I need to break out of this car. So I tried finding stuff in the car and start bashing the windows but, since i'm to weak I was like "ok I need to do something else." So scream and called for help say help my mom lock me in a car.

The funny part is that I have been doing that for good two minutes, but after that my mom came out of the front door and started yelling what the hell are you doing. So I simply told her you locked me in and she was so confused and kept asking what the hell are you talking about open the goddamn door.

So, I did as I was told When I went to go opened the door it opened and I have never felt so embarrassed and stupid in my life the car was unlock the who time. and after that I see my mom dying of laughter as she said your a idiot are you sure you're not blonde? (She referring to the dumb blonde jokes she wasn't trying to offend any blondes) Of course I said no... Till this day on I still get reminded half the time about this story.

https://redd.it/hrbm1r
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Nah you 7

So once I was on the phone with my friend and outta nowhere his little sister asks him “can walk me to the bathroom?” And he goes “why?” And she’s like “cause it’s dark in the hallway” and he goes “Zilah how old are you?” And she’s like “three...” and he goes “nah you seven foo take yo ass to the bathroom yourself”😂😂😂

https://redd.it/hr1jna
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OH SHIT A R A T

Ok soooo in my neighborhood it's like almost impossible to get rid of rats or mice. I think we have mice idk. I'm not scared of them, I just get really shook when I see one. I was walking to the bathroom and when I entered I saw something move in my peripheral vision while I was peeing then I turned to my left and I literally said out loud "oH fUcK oH fUcK Oh FuCK" then i saw the lil basturd squeezed it's way under the door. He got stuck for a moment and his tail was stuck in the door. I stood there frozen as it tried to wiggle its way out. "No way could they be back, the fucking exterminator came by two weeks ago" i thought as i was watching him. Then i realized i kept my room door open. And now i can't go to sleep with the fact that there might be a rat/mouse or whatever the fuck it is in my room rn. I guess i might be scared of them after all. The funny thing is that my dad 5 mins later knocked on my door wondering if i was jacking off to porn in the bathroom. XD

https://redd.it/hq9j09
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I recently figured out something alarming

So I was thinking about my birthday and my family's birthdays. I did a little math my dad's birthday is 9 month before mine. And my sister's birthday is nine months before my mother's. That's pretty messed up y'all.

https://redd.it/hq6g3o
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A cooking story, or lack thereof

TLDR at the end. So I'm in the military. This month we have cadets from the academy that reported to my unit for training. For those of you who don't know, these cadets are the future leadership of the military. Future commanders, captains, and admirals. But as of now they are 19 year olds that have depended on their mommas up until now. Now on top of having the cadets at my unit, my unit only has one cook on duty due to others transferring out. So on the weekends we don't have a cook on duty and we have to find for ourselves. Which leads me to the topic of today's story. Last night I walked into the mess deck to make my dinner, one of the cadets was already in there eating a chicken sandwich. I made my dinner and sat at his table. I looked over and noticed the chicken on his sandwich was really undercooked. So I said "That chicken looks awful pink there. I'd cook that a bit longer." He responds "Yeah, I didn't feel like going through the hassle of turning on the oven and waiting for it to cook, so I just took it out of the freezer and put it on my sandwich." Words cannot describe how baffled I was when I heard that. So I said "You didn't cook that!? You just started eating it directly from the freezer!" Him "No don't worry, I let it thaw out first." As if that should make it better. Me "You're eating raw chicken!? Have you ever heard of salmonella?" Him "I thought that was just eggs?" Me "EGGS COME FROM CHICKENS!" Him "Oh, well it is quite tasty." Me "Boy, does your momma know you eat raw chicken? Why didn't you cook that?" Him "It was too much of a hassle to preheat the oven, then wait for it to cook in the oven." Me "We have a deep fryer! Drop it in there for like 3 minutes! Better yet, we have a daggum MICROWAVE! Nuke it for a minute at least!" This is the future leadership of our nation. In the next 15 to 20 years we'll have senior officers who think it's ok to eat raw chicken. We're doomed.

TLDR. I found a cadet, a future miliary leader, eating a chicken sandwich with a raw piece of chicken. Who didn't seem to notice the issue even after the issue was pointed out to him.

https://redd.it/hpvmip
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Superstition is a helluwa drug

A Chinese man who was flying for the first time has been fined for throwing "good luck" coins into a plane's engine. [Well, it didn't bring him much luck. ](https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-50979485)

https://redd.it/hpw439
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Bring me the vinegar from the kitchen sink.

So my story starts off that I'm at my friends house and she's fighting with her boyfriend over the phone. She motioned for me to sit down, I sit down next to her oldest daughter and say , should I leave? She says no , they always fight like this. After ten mins I here my friend say Jr just got here. She and I are just friends he knows that. I hear more yelling and I see her just throw her phone down and I take it they are done talking. Sorry if I caused problems. She's says. I'm tired of his crap. Her grandmother lives next door and knocked. She comes in says your punk ass boyfriend called and said for you to be ready by 7 pm. It's 3 pm now. She's like I ain't going no where. Ok , grandma leaves. I say have fun I'm gonna go see my homies that live around the corner. I'm going with you she yells from her room. We leave and have a good time with the homies we had BBQ and some beers. It's 6:30 pm and I say , don't you have something to do at 7? We leave the homies and she's running through the house looking for something to wear. She jumped in the shower and yells to her daughter to bring the vinegar from the kitchen. Her daughter walked past me and yells to her mother, eww, your gonna wash your Pu$$y with this ? Your a nasty bitch . I busted out laughing. Her daughter has a devilish grine as she walked by. I left still laughing and about 9 pm she texted me and said he never showed up!

https://redd.it/hpkuq8
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Don't Know How To Get Rid Of A Dead Whale That's Washed Up. Well Just Blow It Up.

In 1970 In Florence, Oregon, A Whale Washed Up On A Beach And Since It Was So Long Since The Last Whale That Washed Up, They Forgot How To Get Rid Of It. So The Oregon Highway Division (Now ODOT) That Owned The Beach Best Idea They Could Think Of Was To Blow It Up With 20 Packs Of Dynamite. Here's A Video Of The News Story And Explosion. https://youtu.be/_KTQtIBsum4

https://redd.it/hp5f2i
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A fail sex story

[https://pinkyandpain.blogspot.com/2019/11/the-three-disappointments.html](https://pinkyandpain.blogspot.com/2019/11/the-three-disappointments.html)

https://redd.it/hop8am
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Latin can be fun too

So today in school my latin teacher was talking about social media and stuff. While listing various social media platforms he goes like:"...snapchat, facebook, and err...what was it called again? Tic tac toe?".
The whole class had a good laugh.

https://redd.it/honfhy
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