Telegram channel "The Onion" — @the_onion

The Onion

18 Aug 2018, 01:19

"The fact is that whether they’re 2- or 11-years-old, our viewers are smart enough to decide for themselves whether Chase’s family and career should be ripped apart just because of a split-second decision." https://t.co/pelC38A87U

The Onion

‘Paw Patrol’ Writers Defend Episode Where German Shepherd Cop Shoots Unarmed Black Lab 17 Times In Back https://t.co/mbFu933KgS

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The Onion

18 Aug 2018, 00:42

Bard College Named Nation's No. 1 Dinner Party School https://trib.al/xsGqhgw

Bard College Named Nation's No. 1 Dinner Party School

ANNANDALE-ON-HUDSON, NY—The Princeton Review announced this week that Bard College has topped its annual ranking of the nation's biggest dinner party schools.

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The Onion

18 Aug 2018, 00:05

RT @ClickHole: Jousting Is Great And All, But There’s Got To Be A Better Way For Us To Entertain Ourselves That Doesn’t Involve Riding A Horse Full Speed Into Someone And Then Getting Hit By A Huge Wooden Stick http://clckhl.co/VwceiEi #Sponsored

Jousting Is Great And All, But There’s Got To Be A Better Way For Us To Entertain Ourselves That Doesn’t Involve Riding A Horse Full-Speed Into Someone And Then Getting Hit By A Huge Wooden Stick

If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that when it comes to entertainment, jousting is pretty hard to beat. After a long day of tilling the fields or suffering from diseases, it sure is nice to unwind by grabbing a turkey leg and settling in to watch a long, bloody jousting tournament. Stil...

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The Onion

18 Aug 2018, 00:05

RT @ClickHole: Jousting Is Great And All, But There’s Got To Be A Better Way For Us To Entertain Ourselves That Doesn’t Involve Riding A Horse Full Speed Into Someone And Then Getting Hit By A Huge Wooden Stick http://clckhl.co/VwceiEi #Sponsored

Jousting Is Great And All, But There’s Got To Be A Better Way For Us To Entertain Ourselves That Doesn’t Involve Riding A Horse Full-Speed Into Someone And Then Getting Hit By A Huge Wooden Stick

If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that when it comes to entertainment, jousting is pretty hard to beat. After a long day of tilling the fields or suffering from diseases, it sure is nice to unwind by grabbing a turkey leg and settling in to watch a long, bloody jousting tournament. Stil...

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The Onion

17 Aug 2018, 23:28

Vatican On Sex Abuse Report: ‘Listen, No Normal Person Is Going To Sign Up To Be A Priest’ https://trib.al/BMe3nw2

Vatican On Sex Abuse Report: ‘Listen, No Normal Person Is Going To Sign Up To Be A Priest’

VATICAN CITY—Following a Pennsylvania grand jury’s report on widespread sexual abuse of children by priests and a cover-up that spanned decades, the Vatican released a statement Friday saying “listen, no normal person is going to sign up to be a priest.” “Look, we ask an awful lot of ordained priest...

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The Onion

17 Aug 2018, 23:01

Server Unbelievably Touched To Be Asked Own Opinion On Whether Enchiladas Or Burger Better Choice https://trib.al/8gakkqg

Server Unbelievably Touched To Be Asked Own Opinion On Whether Enchiladas Or Burger Better Choice

NOVI, MI—Vowing to give such an important request the respect it deserves, local Chili’s server Melissa Cortez told reporters Friday that she was unbelievably touched to be asked by a customer for her opinion on whether the enchiladas or burger was a better choice. “Oh, wow, for a lowly waiter like ...

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The Onion

17 Aug 2018, 22:30

Portrait Next To Coffin Most Likely The Deceased https://trib.al/bA0cXqj

Portrait Next To Coffin Most Likely The Deceased

EAST STROUDSBURG, PA—Intuiting that the close placement of the two objects was most likely not coincidental, funeral attendee Bryan Abboud made the assumption Friday that the man depicted in a portrait next to the coffin was more than likely the deceased. “Unless I’m missing something here, that’s g...

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The Onion

17 Aug 2018, 21:55

Nabisco Snack Physicists Develop Highly Unstable Quadriscuits https://trib.al/aVTjMhj

Nabisco Snack Physicists Develop Highly Unstable Quadriscuits

OAK RIDGE, TN—Snack physicists at Nabisco Labs announced Friday the first successful synthesis of a Quadriscuit cracker, a salty treat long postulated by the theoretical models of food scientists but never confirmed by experiment until now. “At the moment, this hyperwafer can only exist for six mill...

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The Onion

17 Aug 2018, 21:24

RT @ClickHole: 5 Weird Peasants Who Have Really Accepted This Whole ‘Work 12 Grueling Hours Every Day Until You Die’ Thing http://clckhl.co/eWK1tLQ #Sponsored

5 Weird Peasants Who Have Really Accepted This Whole ‘Work 12 Grueling Hours Every Day Until You Die’ Thing

If you catch most peasants in an honest moment, they’ll tell you that they don’t particularly love working the land for the fat cat nobles of this kingdom from dusk till dawn every day until they die. But not all of them feel that way. Here are five peasants who have really leaned into the whole “wo...

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The Onion

17 Aug 2018, 20:53

Girlfriend Slowly Becoming Radicalized By New Skin-Care Blog https://trib.al/83Zbp8t

Girlfriend Slowly Becoming Radicalized By New Skin-Care Blog

SPRINGVILLE, UT—Concerned by the disturbing changes in her behavior since she discovered the site earlier this year, local man Derek Wilkinson told reporters Friday he worries his girlfriend, Katie Spencer, has started to become radicalized by a skin-care blog.

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The Onion

17 Aug 2018, 20:22

‘Paw Patrol’ Writers Defend Episode Where German Shepherd Cop Shoots Unarmed Black Lab 17 Times In Back https://trib.al/jBhk7AK

‘Paw Patrol’ Writers Defend Episode Where German Shepherd Cop Shoots Unarmed Black Lab 17 Times In Back

LOS ANGELES—Explaining that their goal has always been to hold a mirror to society, whether focusing on the power of friendship or a racially motivated killing, the writers behind the hit children’s television series PAW Patrol defended a recent episode of the show Friday in which a German shepherd ...

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The Onion

17 Aug 2018, 19:51

The number of people using mobile payment apps like Apple Pay and Venmo continues to rise. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of mobile payment apps. https://trib.al/sXM5PtF

Pros And Cons Of Mobile Payment Apps

The number of people using mobile payment apps like Apple Pay and Venmo continues to rise, although there are concerns that their convenience could come at the cost of security. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of mobile payment apps.

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The Onion

17 Aug 2018, 19:41

Pros And Cons Of Mobile Payment Apps https://trib.al/sXM5PtF

Pros And Cons Of Mobile Payment Apps

The number of people using mobile payment apps like Apple Pay and Venmo continues to rise, although there are concerns that their convenience could come at the cost of security. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of mobile payment apps.

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The Onion

17 Aug 2018, 19:12

World’s Religious Leaders Admit They Just Love Getting To Wear Frilly Little Gowns And Having A Blast https://trib.al/0ahVHEj

World’s Religious Leaders Admit They Just Love Getting To Wear Frilly Little Gowns And Having A Blast

JERUSALEM—Talking of the deep satisfaction they feel when slipping on a gilded robe and chilling out with devotees, world leaders from Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, and every other major religion admitted Friday that they just love getting to wear frilly little gowns and having a blast. “Yeah, what...

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The Onion

17 Aug 2018, 18:43

Church Masses Going Wild Over Catchy New Gregorian Chant https://trib.al/35ok5g8

Church Masses Going Wild Over Catchy New Gregorian Chant

ROME—Sweeping through the Holy Roman Empire from Saxony to Sardinia, the new Pope Innocent III–penned Gregorian chant “Veni Sancte Spiritus” was causing church masses to go wild Sunday with its catchy liturgical hooks and strict adherence to monastic traditions of composition. “The monks start inton...

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The Onion

17 Aug 2018, 18:14

Man Not Even The Hot Kind https://trib.al/2Sv3x2u

Man Not Even The Hot Kind

The Onion – America's Finest News Source

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The Onion

17 Aug 2018, 17:45

Should The NFL Eliminate The Off-Season? https://video.twimg.com/amplify_video/1030381742220357632/vid/640x360/T_7Oq2RHZBhtRnaV.mp4?tag=8

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The Onion

17 Aug 2018, 17:16

West Hollywood Urges Removal of Trump’s Walk of Fame Star https://trib.al/ctd9hUA #WhatDoYouThink?

West Hollywood Urges Removal of Trump’s Walk of Fame Star

The West Hollywood City Council approved a symbolic vote in support of removing President Trump’s star from the Walk of Fame, although the ultimate decision is governed by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce. What do you think?

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The Onion

17 Aug 2018, 16:29

RT @ClickHole: Epic Clapback: Wendy’s Posted A Sassy Tweet About Burger King Freezing Its Beef, And The CEO Of Burger King Responded With A Video Of Him Killing Himself http://clckhl.co/4rDMgLc

Epic Clapback: Wendy’s Posted A Sassy Tweet About Burger King Freezing Its Beef, And The CEO Of Burger King Responded With A Video Of Him Killing Himself

Wendy’s social media game is usually on point, but today it got schooled by its rival Burger King. After Wendy’s mocked Burger King for freezing its beef, Burger King’s CEO responded with a video of him killing himself.

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The Onion

17 Aug 2018, 15:42

New History Channel Program Explores What Would Have Happened If History Channel Never Existed https://trib.al/g45xaiP

New History Channel Program Explores What Would Have Happened If History Channel Never Existed

NEW YORK—Promising viewers a glimpse into a shocking alternate reality, the History Channel is set to debut Monday its newest show, Life Without History, which theorizes a world in which the cable channel had never been created. “This exciting program takes viewers back to 1995 as our parent company...

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