11.11 PM

Berulang kali dikatakan,
Akui bila tak ingin jatuh yang menyakitkan.
Berulang kali diucapkan,
Sudahi bila tak mau semakin dalam.
Ya, namanya manusia memang selalu demikian.
Menunggu terjatuh dahulu untuk tahu apa yang itu peringatan semesta.

— Capella
Maaf jarang update😭

Malam mencekam
Pun gemuruh tokek bersahutan
Tak jarang gemerisik nyamuk melanglang
Sedang aku hanya diam
Menatap kelam
Menjalar rumpang
Hingga mengakar sendu

Bukan
Bukan lagi soal muara tirta
Bukan lagi soal hilir netra
Ini tentang rindu
Tentang bagaimana biru berubah ungu

Tenang
Ungu belum jadi hitam
Merah pekat milikku masih bisa toleransi

Hei
Baru kuingat
Merah pekatku sudah tak segar
Bekas sulam sana sini
Hitam kelam menjejak setiap permukaan
Ungu lebam membekas hingga ke inti

Ya sudah
Sudah biasa
Biar saja
Sekarang biarkan aku istirahat
Atau biarkan saja mata ini penat hingga fajar membumbung

―andanawarih

⠀⠀⠀Sandikalanya indah tidak, tadi sore? Kamu suka sandikala, 'kan? Katamu sandikala itu indah, sedang kataku sandikala itu jahat.

⠀⠀⠀Berapa kali kutegur kamu tiap kau bahas tentang betapa indah dan teduhnya corak langit yang sering dipanggil senja itu. Sebab sudah banyak kali sandikala merenggut bahagiaku, sedang sudah banyak kali cakrawala hitam memeluk senduku.

⠀⠀⠀Namun nyatanya, beberapa hari yang lalu, justru cakrawala hitam lah yang merenggut kamu-ku. Sandikala sudah kubenci, cakrawala hitam sudah kubenci juga.

⠀⠀⠀Lalu setelah ini, kepada siapa aku menanggal asa? Kepada langit mana aku merangkul bahagia? Kepada warna apa aku menumpu sendu? Kepada kelabu teduh milik langit pagi, atau kepada biru membakar milik langit siang?

―andanawarih

Teruntuk masa laluku;Dari aku yang pernah mencintaimu.

Apa kabar? Lama kita tak bersua. Bagaimana kabar hatimu? Sudah bahagia? Aku ingin menyampaikan beberapa hal padamu.

Pertama, Terima kasih karna pernah melepasku karna seseorang yang lebih menarik dari diriku. Karna jika kau waktu itu tak melepasku, mungkin aku tak bisa menemukan kebahagiaanku sekarang.

Kedua, Terima kasih pernah mengajarkanku banyak hal. Terutama mengajarkanku bagaimana cara bersabar dan juga bertahan namun berakhir dikecewakan.

Ketiga, Terima kasih pernah mengajarkanku arti cinta, walaupun berakhir dengan kau berpaling mencintainya.

Keempat, Maaf jikalau aku belum bisa menjadi seseorang yang terbaik bagimu dahulu.

Kelima, kau sudah bahagia bukan? Aku hanya ingin memberitahu bahwa akupun sudah menemukan bahagiaku. Aku sudah terbebas dari luka yang tercipta karnamu dahulu.

Sekali lagi aku katakan,
Terima kasih dan maaf kepadamu, bahagia selalu ya.

—V.A

tidak kutemukan letak retak di dalam puisimu. padahal, pasti selalu ada yang rapuh di dalam judul kepergian.

aku membenci istilah dahulu
jadi, aku tidak akan memakai istilah
setan itu atas kepergianmu.

aku memeluk diriku sendiri
dikala langit gelap dan pekat.
merayakan kepergianmu dengan
s e n d i r i a n.

— sajaknoona

Semangat untuk kalian yang hari ini UNBK jangan lupa usaha kalian 3 tahun ditentukan selama 4 hari jadi SEMANGAT💪😇

Aku tak pernah tahu bagaimana isi pikiranmu dan juga hatimu, atau bahkan perihal rasamu.

Jika diberi kesempatan untuk bertanya, aku akan menanyakan beberapa hal padamu.

Pernahkah terlintas bayangku didalam pikiranmu? Pernahkah terukir namaku dihatimu? Pernahkah dirimu berangan - angan tentang kita?

Entahlah,
Mungkin hanya aku yang terlalu mendamba atau mungkin lebih tepatnya mencintai. Sedangkan kamu terlalu asik mengabaikan.

—V.A

Sendu, sendu, sendu
Disapanya aku
Hingga bosan pula aku

Sesak, sesak, sesak
Aku hingga lantak
Bosan pula hingga kujejak

Pada larik ini kutitipkan segenggam sendu untukmu
Kuselipkan seuntai ucap haram untukmu
Pun puing ketaksaan dari aku-mu

Berapa kali kutegaskan?
Kisah kita ini pangkal akanan
Aku-mu ini rumah serta halaman
Pangkuan aku-mu ini sandaran
Dekap aku-mu ini labuh seriatan

Pun dengan kamu-ku;
Kisah kita ini debur mega
Kamu-ku ini daluang serta pena
Pangkuan kamu-ku ini pangkal muara
Dekap kamu-ku ini tumpu bahagia

Jika esok penghujung datang
Jika jasadku telah hilang
Jika jiwaku tinggal layang
Jika suaraku hanya bayang
Kamu-ku ini tetap daluang serta pena
Aku-mu ini tetap rumah serta halaman

―andanawarih

Satu ceruk meraba hasta
Dua ceruk menyublim atma
Pendar rawi menyapa loka
Mengedar tawa tanpa jemawa
Pada balai, kau katup semua polikrom urna

Satu beruk menangkup luka
Dua beruk menutup sengketa
Celetuk asal memancing simpul tawa
Melupa lepas seakan tanpa candala
Pada gapura, kau dekap semua ketaksaan

Lamat-lamat, kau lumat seluruh alamat
Berkiblat puan dan kama yang kau semat
Sayang, kisahmu nirpataka, tersekat tamat

Laun-laun, kau tenun seluruh embun
Bersandar pada puing harap semu yang kau pandang lamat
Sayang, cepat pulang, rumahmu berdebu

Kali ketiga netramu menderai tirta, debu membeku
Pulanglah, lalu kutegaskan; aku masih rumahmu
Hanya kau, aku, kita, berdua mendekap temu

―andanawarih × alphalyra

Bagaimana bila sebenarnya kamu tidak kecanduan media sosial?
Kamu terkesan selalu ada dan langsung membalas pesan karena hanya melalui itu kamu bisa mendapatkan kabar. Kamu suka khawatir setengah mati terhadap dirinya. Bukannya mengekang atau membatasi, kamu hanya ingin memastikan bahwa dia aman dan baik-baik saja dalam tiap situasi.

Bagaimana bila sebenarnya kamu tidak kecanduan media sosial?
Sebab saat dia berada tepat di dekatmu, terlihat langsung oleh mata kepalamu, maka segala yang ada di maya sudah tak menarik perhatianmu sama sekali. Kamu betah berjam-jam tak berada di internet karena yang selama ini kamu cari sudah berada di sisi.

Bagaimana bila sebenarnya kamu tidak kecanduan media sosial?
Hanya saja jarak yang kepalang kurang ajar, membuatmu hanya bisa menunggunya dari balik layar.


— 9996
#9996Series

Ada banyak pertanyaan di kepalaku yang sulit hilang dan belum terjawabkan. Seperti,

"Bagaimana bisa aku jatuh cinta pada seorang yang tak bisa aku miliki?"
"Bagaimana bisa aku menyayangi orang yang selama ini menyakitiku?"
"Bagaimana bisa aku merasa bahagia dengan luka yang terus bermunculan di hatiku?"
"Bagaimana bisa aku berjuang dan sekuat ini mempertahankan orang yang bahkan tidak peduli denganku?"

Bagaimana bisa, aku jatuh cinta padamu?
Dan kenapa harus kamu?


— blue dandelion
Takdir.
#bluedandelion

jangan biarkan aku terbiasa dengan ketidakhadiranmu
jangan biarkan ingatan tentangmu terkikis oleh waktu
seteguh-teguhnya karang akan patah juga dihantam ombak
bagaimanapun setianya merpati akan pergi juga menunggu yang tak pasti

pulang
pulanglah sebelum aku yang pergi

— nina
#teruntukangkasa

ating. You aren’t grabby with them, their time, or their affection in return. You are secure without demanding constant reassurance.

You prioritize their viewpoints. You learn their love language. You think in terms of their interests, not yours, and their needs are your own. You support them. You back them. You care and take care. You accept, and you allow.

(3) You know because you do the act of loving, even when you don’t want to.
Because everyone thinks they’re in love when it’s clear skies and calm waters, but watch them when the storm hits.

You know because you love even when you’re pissed. It’s love if you don’t “fight;” you disagree.

You love if your objective is reaching an agreement, not picking a winner.

You love if you don’t get defensive, insecure, or manipulative. If you don’t keep score. If you don’t hold grudges. If you don’t “take back your love” as punishment.

You love if you seek to understand before being understood; listen and honor what they share — and you don’t double down with your own issues. If you act like you’re on the same team. You listen. You compromise. You apologize. You forgive.

You know because you love even when you’re hurt. Especially honoring and respecting their wants and needs even when they include “breaking up.”

What we should really be Googling is “how to love,” not “how to ‘know’ we’re in love.”
We like to differentiate between “being in love with” and “loving” someone. But “being in love with” is infatuation, and infatuation means nothing in getting real love.

So if what you want is real love, then “how to” is all that matters.

You “know” because you decide. It’s love when you do it. All the time.

— Kris Gage

[How to really know you're in love]

If you try to Google “how to know you’re in love,” you’re gonna have a bad time.

Because it’s mostly shit advice.

Here’s a small sampling:

1. “They’re always on your mind”
This is infatuation.

If someone’s “always” on your mind, you’re not focused on other Really Important Things. And that’s a problem.

Real love fits into real life, rather than usurping it. It’s calm, not overwhelming.

2. “You crave them” or “can’t get enough of them.”
See above.

3. “They’re your ‘everything’.”
Ditto.

4. “You see them in your future.”

“When I imagined my future job/location/adopted dog, they were always in the background of my imagination helping me out with whatever I was doing. My future just didn’t really make sense without them around.”

Well, I mean, damn. You fantasize long and hard enough, you can see anything in your future — like I could imagine moving to Switzerland to be a goat farmer. That doesn’t mean I should.

The problem is that we’ve made “love” into a game of escapism, and measure potential partners by how they fit into that fantasy. That’s not love.

So, sure, see them in your future — but not because they “complete the picture.”

5. “They’re the person of your dreams”
See above.

6. “You always want them around.”
Ha. Hahaha. Clearly you have never been in a (healthy) long-term relationship.

You should usually want to see your significant other. But love isn’t always wanting to. Sometimes you need a minute. Sometimes you need to work or do other things. Or, damn, just be.

Don’t think it’s not love just because sometimes you want space.

7. “You’ll do whatever it takes to impress them.”
Well. That’s scary.

Why are you trying so hard? Loving isn’t “impressing.”

9. “You’re scared,”
“Of losing her, of never being with another woman… the list goes on.”

Healthy love doesn’t involve fear of loss. That’s attachment.

It also doesn’t involve fear of “never being with another person.” I don’t even know what that is. Low self-esteem? Lack of conviction?

10. “You’re jealous”
This is attachment again, not mature love.

11. “They’re beautiful.”
This is self-love, not love. (Also: you’re an idiot.)

12. “They’re kind.”
Well. Glad you’re getting your emotional needs met.

But this just means that they are deserving of love. It doesn’t mean that you are loving them.

13. “You just know.”
Well. Thanks for the most unhelpful advice ever.

To everyone who’s ever said this: Why though? Please stop.

Don’t perpetuate nonsense and call it “romance” just because you don’t have suitable answers.

Tread lightly with:
1. “They’re the best part of my day,” or “Seeing them is always the highlight of my day.”

The difference here is probably what the rest of your day looks like.

Good: If you’re happy with your life and your partner adds to it, then congrats. You win.

Bad: If you’re unhappy and using your partner as an oasis, then you need to get your shit together.

2. “You prioritize them.”

Good: you actually care about their wants and needs, and prioritize them in a way that doesn’t tear you down.

Bad: you compromise your own wants and needs, or base your value on your ability to “keep them happy.”

///

How to know you LIKE them as a person:

1. They’re different than everyone else.
Rad for them.

2. You like more than their looks.
Congrats, there may be hope for you yet.

3. You want them to be happy.
Great. I want happiness for most people.

4. You’ll try new things with them.
You found someone with whom you’re comfortable, and whose company you enjoy. Good on you.

5. They inspire you to be a better person.
Role models have that effect on us, too. That doesn’t mean we love them.

///

How to know you LOVE them:

(1) You know because you decide
You don’t feel love. You DO it. It’s an act, not a feeling. It’s a moment by moment decision and re-commitment. You know because it’s deliberate and conscious.

(2) You know because you DO the act of loving.
You invest. You exert effort.

You don’t knowingly do harm. You aren’t vengeful, petty, manipulative, or jealous. Their needs never seem irrit

You, with your sweet words and winsome smile,
ruined me for everyone. I can’t search for love
without seeking for what it was like to be loved
by you: complete, serene, home. Like an entire
universe of my own, and I am not merely an idle
dust floating around in the colossal space we call
a galaxy. Like a person who has fallen in place,
at last, and becoming whole after a lifetime of
being in pieces. Like waking up to the first sip of
coffee on a bright, Sunday morning from a blurry,
bewildered night. Like a fortune teller who is able
to predict the future, except not at all, but it is of
little importance because the main goal is to spend
every living second building moments with you;
the fear of the unknown is absent, and the elixir
of angst in the face of the storm is simply to look
into your trusting eyes. Anything less is not of
account, far from adequate. The moments, sadly,
are now memories, and the future is an abandoned
site of euphoria, an almost-utopia. All the pages of the
blueprint are engraved in my mind in black and white,
and I am unfairly reminded of the images from time to
time—each one a pang of agony. Yet, nevertheless, I am
haunted by the ghost of once-upon-a-time and echoes of
laughter I almost remember. I am dawned by the fact that
perhaps it is not a matter of more, or less, but of who.
It will never be right unless it’s you.

When I say I want to kill myself,
It does not mean I am suicidal.
When I say I want to die,
It does not mean I am depressed.

When you ask me if a fast moving truck was coming my way,
Would I stay there in place,
I would reply I would fucking run out of my way ‘cause I refuse to let a truck take this life.
A Lamborghini, perhaps.

When you ask if I would voluntarily jump off a cliff, would I do it?
I wouldn’t reply immediately. I would think.
I would think of how many common and stereotypical ways you could think of on killing oneself.
But to be honest, I also wouldn’t know the answer to that.

When I say I want to kill myself,
I mean, I want to crawl back into bed and under the covers because there, I feel at peace.
When I say I want to die,
I mean, I want to stop time at any time I want and click resume on my own will.

When I say I want to kill myself,
I mean, I want to shut the whole world up.
When I say I want to die,
I mean, I want to take a breather and not get judged as being lazy.

When I say I want to die or I want to kill myself,
I don’t mean it literally.
I’ve discovered I don’t mean anything literally.

When I say I want to take a nap,
I say, I’m getting pressured and I need a timeout.
When I say I don’t care,
I say, I do care but nobody really cares about my opinion so why bother?

When I say I don’t want to go to school,
It means I’m tired of always trying my best but always end up being second or third.
When I say I’m going to be late to school,
It means I don’t want to try again because I know I’ll end up being second or third.

When I say I want to stay home,
It means my anxiety and depression is refusing to let me go from my bed.
When I say I want to not go home yet,
It means I’m tired of being put on a pedestal and end up failing.

When I say I want to run away,
It means I’m tired of not seeing my dad when I go downstairs.
When I say I want to kill myself,
I mean it as a joke.

And when I say I want to die,
I mean, jokes are always half-meant.
When I say I want to kill myself,
I mean, I’m tired.

When you ask if I’m suicidal or if I’m depressed,
I would reply the exact same fucking thing I’ve been saying,
Like a broken record,
Without missing a beat,

I would say I’m just tired...
fucking tired of existing.

— kahel r.,
when i say i want to kill myself

Jika bukan padaku dirimu berpulang, maka akan kusemogakan agar rasa ini segera hilang.

Jika bukan padaku lagi dirimu merebah, maka itu menandakan sudah saatnya kita berpisah.

Aku sungguh tak bisa mengatur kepada siapa rindumu melebur, pun aku tak mampu memiliki kendali atas berjalannya sebuah alur.

Memang dasarnya tidak ada yang abadi, sayang, bahkan kisah kita akhirnya menjelma bagai debu, dan hanya meninggalkan nestapa yang menggebu.

— nurauliasari