Iris's Diary

Magical time is gone,
that period is gone,
in which we used to talk, laugh and smile.
You sang for me when I asked you to, being sick for a while.
That one song I love the most
it will always stay in my heart and I can never forget it, at any cost.

Magical time is gone,
our connection is gone,
I still listen to that song,
and cry for so long.
The tone is still fresh and sweet,
the memories are here, still so refreshing and neat.
I am here, the past is here,
except you are not there.

Magical time is gone,
the friendship we had is gone.
Still talking to each other somehow
but that bond is not the same for now.
You are different, I am different
but I know, we are magnificent.
Our relation is important to me,
I don't want to let go and be carefree.
66

Do you remember when we first talked?
You were just like a cute little boy
who was very much excited to know about life.

Face focused, eyes locked,
going to daily walks.
When every kid looked at things like they are a toy,
you looked at those things from a different perspective and it felt like you were from paradise.

Maybe you forgot,
but I doubt that because
you have a sharp memory and your brain tends to remember details a lot.

Your speciality is to analyse things,
write about them and learn about it deeply and within.

Your presence is sometimes like fire,
sometimes like water,
sometimes like air,
you have everything around you which you deserve and hearts like yours are very rare.

You always understand others,
such a decent soul you are, who would crawl to the arms of his mother's
anytime and anyplace.
You have a room in my heart which I will never give anyone despite any condition, situation or case.

You have been an intellectual as everybody knows,
but nobody seems to know the child within you which is still there and glows.

Oh my dear friend, you are much more than I can ever describe,
I promise, I will never leave you and will always make you realise
that I care for you,
and will keep doing so till the time I am alive.
65

A painting I was trying to paint
on this glowing cream colour canvas.
My emotions were so plaint
and that ascribed anxious
feeling that I got, is so much to forget.

A painting I was trying to paint
on these sheets with my sorrows.
I know I am no saint,
and this hurting is the only way I could pay for my sins.

A painting I was trying to paint
with this small little brush.
This time a little self-restraint
because I don't want to break and get crushed.

A painting I was trying to paint
with all the hues and blues.
I finally made one, looking a little quaint
but it was the best one because it perfectly depicted my cries and soaked eyes.
64

I hate this month of December
because the memories made, the moments spent together, are still remembered.
The breeze is cold yet warm
and as the days pass, I feel like I am going to reborn,
to survive through this another year,
in which I don't even want to enter.

So many things will be left behind,
every moment is flashing in front of eyes, like I just turned on the button rewind.
I don't want to move on
but life is going to continue just like a melodious song.

So, I'm going to try and smile
even though it's hurts and I feel like crying.
Because I need to go ahead and continue,
this precious life is not going to come back and renew.

This month of December was always so cold,
and there are so many tales that will always stay untold.
Leaving everything behind with this birth month of mine,
let's start this journey again with a glass of red wine.
63

I always wanted to be with you,
in those part of your life when all you could see was hue.
On the canvas of my life, I drew
some moments, shared with you.
I knew, that I cannot have you,
so I let you go and flew
far away from me, that now it is difficult for me to find what's true,
is it me or you?
While standing in this foggy queue,
I came to knew,
that I am still with you.

I always wanted to be with you,
but I know I cannot renew,
what's left behind in that argue.
I will always value you,
as your essence is still there and it only grew.
It always surprises me, how much the morning dew,
always kept reminding me of you.
Never came here, did you?
Yet the little things, we talked about, kept me awake like I just had some Brew.
While being here without you,
it doesn't feels anew,
because I am, still with you.
62

These winds of the winters
always felt like soft feathers,
on my hard and rough skin.
This year is ending, and it feels like a win
as I survived another 365 days;
in so many emotional and different ways.
Those beautiful blue moons are gone
but they will show up again in the time of early dawn.

February is the month of love they say,
but look at this month of December, it's always been so calm and romantic in many ways.
The year ends, and new time starts,
isn't it just so pretty to always be like this and never be apart?

New memories will be made,
and the old ones will be remembered.
This tree of my life is growing rapidly and providing me with this immersing shade;
look at this month of December, it's always been so mesmerising and tendered.
61

There is something unique between us.
There is a feeling which sometimes makes me feel nervous.
It is all so mysterious,
yet never meaningless.
There is this emptiness,
in our lives
and we try to seek for forgiveness,
all the time.
It is so worthless,
and a waste of our feelings.
We have became so hideous,
that it is difficult to reveal anything about us.
All those moments felt too precious,
and without them I might be emotionless.
There is something unique between us.
There is a feeling which sometimes makes me painless.
60

There is this person, who says he likes me.
Although, he don't know anything about me.
He don't know my name or how I look like,
yet he keeps liking me.
He don't know about my pain and scars
but he appreciates my presence and the feelings I fought,
which felt like fighting with real wars.
All the things I ever thought,
were never real, yet made me cry and my throat sours.
I am disturbed from the inside
yet very calm from the outside.
I don't even know the real me
but I can atleast imagine,
that person who will say he still likes me.
59

She knows how mesmerising she is,
even if she don't use any of her charm,
because she likes to be the way she is,
it cannot cause her any harm.

She knows how mesmerising she can be,
if she used any of her charm,
because if she showed her that side of 'me',
then it might be difficult for others to keep their calm.
58

I tell you,
to not to think too much
it'll hurt,
but then I always find myself hurting much.

I tell you,
to take care of yourself rather than caring for others
it'll be better,
but then I always find myself caring for those others.

I tell you,
to forget your past and move on
it'll end your suffering,
but then I always find myself struggling to keep moving on.

I tell you,
you will be fine and give it some time
it'll not pain,
but then I always find myself not being fine even after all this time.

I tell you,
be kind, be calm and stay healthy
it'll be best,
but then I always find myself being rude, not calm and kind of unhealthy.

I tell you,
live life to it's fullest and be yourself always
it'll be very enjoying,
yet I am never being myself anyways.
57

Do you have any idea how much I miss you?
Those times when I used to say I love you.

Remember those moments, when you said you will never leave me alone,
and I am your heartbeat.
What happened now?
When I am all alone,
and these silk sheets
soaked with this salty water, I have no idea how.

You wanted to hear my thoughts about you?
I love you and I have always said it very bravely to you.
You have always been a charismatic person.
I will always despise the thing which gave you depression.

You don't have to act strict and tough.
I know that you are soft hearted and not so rough.
You said you're so alone.
I am sorry, even being with me
never made you feel known.

You are deserving of much love,
I always wanted to say,
but never got the chance to express my love
because I thought I might annoy you in some way.

You are not a loser or silly
but a big winner and a really good ally.
You wanted a human to understand you,
I was there but maybe not worthy enough to be with you.

There was no need to secretly love me,
you should have openly told me.
I have always loved you as well,
I remember that moment when you said it all feels real,
and I, felt very surreal.
56

This feeling I have is only for you
nobody else can snatch it from you.
Even I, myself cannot stop loving you.
You are just very different,
and I don't know why,
I still love you.

They can make me feel special
but they can never make me feel precious,
like you do.
You are just very different,
and I don't know why,
I still love you.

You were never mine to begin with
but I still feel like being yours, even if the things are ended.
So beautiful, aren't you?
You are just very different,
and I don't know why,
I still love you.

Never said any of this as I am scared.
What if this friendship we have gets scattered?
I know this message of mine will reach you.
You are just very different,
and I don't know why,
I still love you.
55

People despise sadness
they say it is bad,
and full of loneliness.
People hate sadness
they say it gives pain,
and extreme numbness.
They don't know that,
sadness is beautiful,
pain makes a human dutiful,
loneliness gives strength to compete,
and numbness help to keep the emotions away and succeed.
Then how can people despise sadness?
When it should be cherished just like happiness.
How can people hate sadness?
When it should be loved just like happiness.
Agony, pain and misery,
are as beautiful as,
joy, comfort and peace.
54

I feel terrible and crumpled,
speaking is difficult and I could only mumble.
No one heard me and it felt rumbled.
I am in trouble,
an emotional struggle.
These feelings are clashing
and it's all so frustrating.
I feel like debating
with my own thoughts
and it just makes me feel so lost.
53

Heartbreak is something I never did to anyone
but then why I get heartbroken by everyone.
It feels like I am doing something wrong
and nothing right.
It feels very uptight,
I am a real and honest being
who is a lot difficult to find in this realm.
My heart is pure and transparent
but the people around me can never understand this.
I belong to a world with peace in it
but here I am in a world filled with only cruelty in it.
I might be wrong
but I know that this is right,
and I am not a doll for anyone
to play with according to their might.
I loved you, cared for you
if you cannot do the exact same thing for me
then I am sorry
but you are not meant for me.
52

There was trust that I always had for him.
There was care that I always had for him.
There was respect that I always had for him.
In my frozen world, he was the only ray of light,
in my cold world, he was the only warm embrace,
in my dead world, he was the only person alive.
Now, he is gone, far away from me,
and left me so lonely,
and I only feel this agony
but this love is the only thing, keeping me alive.
This care is the only thing making me stay.
This feeling is the only thing I might be living for.
51

I don't know if I am in love,
I don't know if I am not in love
because I don't hate anyone
and I cherish the things I won.
Things like these moments which we spend together,
yet not together.
Things like the jokes you do on me,
things like the way you remember every single detail about me,
things like how we talk with each other,
things like these which are too common,
yet very rare to find.
I don't know if I am in love
but every moment spent with you feels like I am in real love.
50

You gave me this unbearable pain
I won't be able to be myself again.
I know nobody knows my real worth
but this one person understood it and knew why I took birth.
You are adorable, you are loved, they say
but if it is true
then why don't I feel adored and loved, I wanted to say.
I could never,
never had the courage to say my thoughts out loud
because I thought what if my words will not make them feel proud.
I was always worthy enough
but they always wanted much
much more than I can ever give
and because of this I forgot how to live.
49

Who said I don't know how to care?
Who said I don't know how to love?
I know, I know that well
if I don't know anything then
it is.. just expressing myself.
I don't know how to do that well
but I know I can love,
love you,
more than anyone else,
more than her.
I know that, I know that well
but you, don't know about me yet.
You don't know what I can do for you
but I won't, I know I won't.
Why? You ask me?
You should ask yourself.
48

I don't know whether it was destiny or not
but I met you, yes I did,
and now you are a special person for whom I feel a lot
around you I always feel like an innocent kid
who just wants love from you and nothing much.
You always appreciate me and what not
but I always deny you as you should not.
I might get attached which I don't want
and in the future it may hurt you a lot.
I don't know what to do
just don't ever be like them and be like you,
always.
47