And this is insane because for as long as I've been able to recall, I've tried to connect. With people, with God.

And when I converted, it was due to logicality and historicity. I always, always prayed for one of those violent conversion stories where God would show Himself in a whirlwind and from that moment onwards I'd be instantly smitten with that unrelenting love.

But that never came.

And I don't really get mad, I still know God is there. I didn't get mad when my father left us, I didn't get mad when I was left alone in a pit of depression I'm just now figuring out how to beat on my own.

But I figure this emotional dryness demands discipline. Discipline which I've struggled with my entire life.

But it's been four years now since I was baptized, and this dryness has led me astray in many ways. I'm even more secularized today than I used to be before my baptism.

I'm half the man I used to be spiritually, and this sucks because I'm mentally much saner.

I have decided to go back and actually embrace this dryness as a call to maybe another type of spirituality.

I ask that you please pray for me and for many others whom I know suffer with a similar situation.

No matter the road, may we all meet in paradise one day.