Do you think i am really depress? Or it is just stress?Bila satu persatu orang aku sayang or care hilang, lebih tepat lagi menjauhkan diri di saat aku betul² perlu. But maybe busy dengan life masing-masing. I guess... Or maybe juga salah aku sebab cepat menilai yang bukan² tentang mereka.
I used to talk about my problem to my friends but then everyone ended up seen my chat. And then aku pula cuba tenangkan mereka semula after dengar masalah masing². Time ni aku rasa sedih betul sebab tak ada siapa nak mendengar. Aku sakit. Really sick. I'm dying slowly. But no one care.
I shut down all my media social bcs I feel so lonely and insecure. I feels like I want to committing suicide. I just want to die. Aku rasa anxiety berkali². My shadow haunts me every time I wanna be happy. I can't help myself.
Every night before sleep i will cry and cry. Even waktu siang pun aku boleh bersedih. My world turn black. I like being sad. When someone sakitkan hati aku, aku tak dapat nak back up diri sendiri. I keep on hurting myself, maybe. Macam takda makna di dunia ni jika menyusahkan dan hanya menjadi beban. Eventho I should keep my life going and left those shiz behind me.
Then i almost cut myself. And i don't know la maybe its a miracle before aku nak cut tangan aku tu, aku cal best friend aku. Nak lontarkan semua apa yang aku rasa masa tu. Yala before aku mati. I told her everything. Then....
"Stupid!" I be like... What? She never said ok and it was the first time i heard she say those word. Then she bebel, nasihat all night sambil aku menangis macam budak.Hahhaha di sebalik kelembutan ada ketegasan dia. Aku fikir dia akan make me comfort but not at all. Jauh tersimpang... Lepas dia marah bebel dia suruh b'tenang sekejab. After that, dia suruh aku pergi solat. And yes aku perlahan² ok. Alhamdulillah.
I'm selfish. I thought everyone that I cared didn't care bout me. Actually aku salah. Totally wrong. They did but i just don't listen to those positive things that their spread for me. I always think I'm not good enough for everyone especially people around me. Im not a good friend and daughter.Tht why aku selalu mengalah for banyak perkara. I keep it to myself. Aku tak keluarkan. 1% enough.
Aku terfikir, suicide or family? Then I choose family. I tried to calm myself. I read positive quote, I read and listen to all Surah. Apa yang panting semuanya positive vibes.
So my advice, if u feel bad, don't be. If rasa nak bunuh diri, fikir semasaknya. Cuba bertenang. Ingat Allah, ingat agama dan ingat family before buat something bad. Lagipun nyawa ada satu je. Bukan ada banyak macam dalam game. Most important thing, buang negative yang tersisa dalam diri. Always think about urself first then baru orang lain. Love urself always. Fikir positive. InshaAllah semua ada jalan keluarnya.@lonelyastronaut
