“But what can a decent man speak of with most pleasure? Answer: Of himself. Well, so I will talk about myself.”“Notes from Underground” by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Underground man is despicable. He loathes himself and everyone around him. He is filled with resentment, he projects his self-hatred onto others, he is powerless and insignificant so he projects out his power on the one who is more powerless still, thinks so lowly of himself, yet considers himself intellectually superior to others. Underground man is in pain and so he inflicts pain on others. Underground man hates society, yet dreams of a higher rank in it. Underground man hates those who are gifted by nature, with respect of which they are not deserving, yet wants to be seen by them, to walk alongside with them. Underground man hates love, thinks himself incapable of love and yet deep down yearns to love and to be loved.
I know I know, an underground man deserves no empathy. He is a social outcast and why shouldn't he be? He is clumsy, sadistic, socially awkward and lacking alpha male qualities. He is not rich, he has no one to claim him, he is just a nameless being.
But wait a minute, maybe society shaped him this way. Society wanted to cage him and fit him in a box, picking on him when he did not. Bullied him for the difference. Threw him into a deep pit of which he cannot pull himself out. Underground man thought of himself as a human and humans are free spirits, humans cannot be controlled, humans want control and power over themselves. What is a human say if he does not have free will? Without free will he cannot sin, if he does not sin, how will he get to meet himself? And so underground man sins profoundly, he knows it at least, this he tells himself to feed his conscience. At least he knows it unlike his fellow men who are unaware of their own undergrounds.
Underground man surely is despicable, he has sinned but he takes pride in self-awareness. In his humane quality to feel guilt. What of the guilt? He is stuck in a constant loop, he declared the underground as a permanent abode of which he cannot let go.
This ladies and gentlemen was his confession from the "notes from Underground!"
@pursuit_of_truth