"Shit, I keep forgetting to tell you guys how I have panic attacks nearly everyday now because of my PTSD from all of the horrible shit that's happened to me over the years.
So, here I am in the midst of another one. Fighting the urge to delete everything and light myself on fire.
Hello! Yes, hi! Sufferer of many mental maladies here. I got alphabet soup. PTSD, ADHD, Compound Anxiety and what the kids call "Plurality" which all the old fogies call Disassociated Identity disorder.
I've been fighting an invisible war with myself for years, speaking of; I want to go on record saying that I don't condone violence of any sort. Be it Spiritual, Mental or Physical. Pain hurts. I am against pain.
I'm also very much sane, thank you! Just really bad at peopling. Humans are scary, that's just a fact. We're one of the Apex Predators for a reason, I think it's a perfectly normal response to regard other folks with some....paranoia I guess.
I've been preyed upon, sexually. I've been raped. Yep. Intimacy is difficult for me. Human connection scares me. I struggle with it everyday. I desperately want to believe it'll never happen again. I know my responses to stress aren't rational, but you try telling your amygdala to shut up. See how far you get.
That said; My relationship with you guys has suffered for it and I apologize.
I'm trying everyday to be a better version of myself. I feel as though I've plateaued spiritually, so I've been working on my mental and physical health. Not to be better than anyone, other than myself.
I know some look at me as a Guru, or Guide. I appreciate that. Thank you.
But remember, I'm mostly just a dude with some ideas and opinions just like you.
I just read a lot, have always read a lot. I love reading and learning stuff.
Since I've started writing this, my anxiety has calmed down some. It's a thing I struggle with everyday. I know I repeat myself sometimes. I write from the heart, I'd do this even if no one was reading.
I share, because I care. Someone else could read and hear my words and recognize their own battle with mental gremlins and think "Hey! This guy is way crazier than me and he was able to talk himself down! How he do that?! I must learn his secret!"
Hey guess what. The secret is there is no secret! I'm flying by the seat of my pants everyday.
I try not to worry about the future much, because we all know how the future currently looks...scary!
Even entertaining the though of the future freezes me up, because shit; Nature is doing a Thing and we're just along for the ride.
We're pretty resilient as a species though, Life adapts. We can adapt. World too hot? Cool yourself down with micro- climate technology!
Heat is the Ornery Element.
It's known that there are more incidents of Rage in the summer months than the cooler ones.
People literally become hotheaded.
That's no good.
We don't need more Mario 3 angry sun energy.
Anyhow...I've once again forgotten what the point of telling you all this is. If you've found a point; Great.
I say a lot of stuff...all of the time. Just a little bit of everything, all of the time.
Fuck, can we talk about how good that Special was? Maybe another time, I've taken up your mind ears long enough."
The gist is:
"I'm sorry you've taken me so seriously all this time. That's how you know shit's real bad. Comedians are the mouth pieces of the common folk, and stuff has been too grave to joke about. That's why we have to joke about it. Comedy is just Tragedy+Time. It may not be funny now, but have hope it'll be funny later.
I do, at least."
