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i have no sense of control its embarrassing

It has come to the point where you've choked on your anxiety and self-loathing and rage for so long you now call it your favorite meal, if only by default. You've kept yourself full on it. Sank your teeth into whatever piece of yourself had failed you most recently and taken the win of your hunger receding over the loss of blood. You've sustained yourself on this long enough, I think. From here on there will be a kinder way to fill your stomach. There are other things for you to eat that do not stick in your throat and come up as hot saltwater and bile, things that do not taste like the inside of your mouth when the words die. I know the familiarity was your only comfort for so long but you deserve a better feast than your own flesh. You deserve to eat something and not damage yourself in the process. You can stop now.

Who gonna listen dsbm w me

on end because i woke up yesterday stayed woken up alltheway until this morning and there is terror in me, terror in every single cell and i am afraid and afraid and i cannot sleep for it. i want to put my fear entire in my mouth where it is safe, where i can bite down on it at any moment, where i can swallow it down over and over again until it digests but my fear lives in my lungs instead because it lives in my lungs it lives in my blood and my heart and my whole entire body shaking shaking with it- a convulsion half like a death rattle cough half like a laugh the laugh scares me more and whatever the part of me that isn't me or the fear says "You have to laugh at it. You have to laugh at the way you stand outside a door and pantomime knocking without ever making contact because otherwise you would scream or cry and that would be worse to explain then the laughing or the knocking you're not doing. Sometimes you stand there hand raised and stop yourself before you can kick or collapse against or headbutt the door, anything to tell someone to open it, and you have to laugh because your laugh is silent anyways when you laugh like this. You have to laugh because you scream silent too and when you drive yourself to tears to knock on the door even then the knock is only the first step and every cell of you is still being circulated full of fear from your lungs. But the laughing keeps it all from shutting down before you knock." dead electric night and it is quiet in the winter as the clock ambles towards dawn and i am still all alight. Still too much in a body, too much to breathe right laughing laughing laughing silently because there's nothing else to do and it really does seem funny when i can't sleep from it. Might have to shut myself down the hard way. Might have to cover the eyes and the mouth until breath hisses against the suction against the palm and my eyes seal shut. if i can make myself small and quiet and hold my breath until the ribs are tight around it the fear goes away before i can. and when the fear is gone i can breathe in and out and in and out and the only thing that pours through me is pure elation when i laugh there is no scream i am trying to avoid just an absence of fear unfamiliar when i am done laughing now i can finally sleep.

You are naked, for the first time
in years for no other reason than to strip down and see the way the skin moves over bone, you can see the shape of the ribcage, pelvis, and they twist, underneath the muscle and clean expanse of skin, you hate it so much, this display of a body that never was tailored to you and cannot be changed to fit no matter what you try it is a bad day, for bodies looking at this, the body that is whole but incomplete, or completed wrong gets you to thinking about frankenstein, not the creature, but the man so caught in the science of how bodies work he never learned he had a son until the son was able to name himself, until the sonnamed himself adam, and asked his father for the creation or proof of anyone like him, asked to be not alone. it was a bad day for bodies then too. I don't have any scars or seams or stitches on my skin.(expect the one i created my self ofcourse) I don't have any sign of my creation gone wrong but i too am asking for proof that this loneliness is not forever. My father also didn't know who i was until i was able to name myself and introduce myself by name. If i press my fingers to the thin skin i can feel the knots of my spine, the jaw hinging underneath my cheek. i knew i was not alone when i peeled the old name away and started stitching a new one in place but I have not seen a good day for bodies ever since.

MaCafferty get it

sure things will pass so will i atp

Jesus said this.

like come on

is this like some sadistic jock

im serious like ummmmmm hello im still not ready for what you got going on big guy