[How to really know you're in love]
If you try to Google “how to know you’re in love,” you’re gonna have a bad time.
Because it’s mostly shit advice.
Here’s a small sampling:
1. “They’re always on your mind”
This is infatuation.
If someone’s “always” on your mind, you’re not focused on other Really Important Things. And that’s a problem.
Real love fits into real life, rather than usurping it. It’s calm, not overwhelming.
2. “You crave them” or “can’t get enough of them.”
See above.
3. “They’re your ‘everything’.”
Ditto.
4. “You see them in your future.”
“When I imagined my future job/location/adopted dog, they were always in the background of my imagination helping me out with whatever I was doing. My future just didn’t really make sense without them around.”
Well, I mean, damn. You fantasize long and hard enough, you can see anything in your future — like I could imagine moving to Switzerland to be a goat farmer. That doesn’t mean I should.
The problem is that we’ve made “love” into a game of escapism, and measure potential partners by how they fit into that fantasy. That’s not love.
So, sure, see them in your future — but not because they “complete the picture.”
5. “They’re the person of your dreams”
See above.
6. “You always want them around.”
Ha. Hahaha. Clearly you have never been in a (healthy) long-term relationship.
You should usually want to see your significant other. But love isn’t always wanting to. Sometimes you need a minute. Sometimes you need to work or do other things. Or, damn, just be.
Don’t think it’s not love just because sometimes you want space.
7. “You’ll do whatever it takes to impress them.”
Well. That’s scary.
Why are you trying so hard? Loving isn’t “impressing.”
9. “You’re scared,”
“Of losing her, of never being with another woman… the list goes on.”
Healthy love doesn’t involve fear of loss. That’s attachment.
It also doesn’t involve fear of “never being with another person.” I don’t even know what that is. Low self-esteem? Lack of conviction?
10. “You’re jealous”
This is attachment again, not mature love.
11. “They’re beautiful.”
This is self-love, not love. (Also: you’re an idiot.)
12. “They’re kind.”
Well. Glad you’re getting your emotional needs met.
But this just means that they are deserving of love. It doesn’t mean that you are loving them.
13. “You just know.”
Well. Thanks for the most unhelpful advice ever.
To everyone who’s ever said this: Why though? Please stop.
Don’t perpetuate nonsense and call it “romance” just because you don’t have suitable answers.
Tread lightly with:
1. “They’re the best part of my day,” or “Seeing them is always the highlight of my day.”
The difference here is probably what the rest of your day looks like.
Good: If you’re happy with your life and your partner adds to it, then congrats. You win.
Bad: If you’re unhappy and using your partner as an oasis, then you need to get your shit together.
2. “You prioritize them.”
Good: you actually care about their wants and needs, and prioritize them in a way that doesn’t tear you down.
Bad: you compromise your own wants and needs, or base your value on your ability to “keep them happy.”
///
How to know you LIKE them as a person:
1. They’re different than everyone else.
Rad for them.
2. You like more than their looks.
Congrats, there may be hope for you yet.
3. You want them to be happy.
Great. I want happiness for most people.
4. You’ll try new things with them.
You found someone with whom you’re comfortable, and whose company you enjoy. Good on you.
5. They inspire you to be a better person.
Role models have that effect on us, too. That doesn’t mean we love them.
///
How to know you LOVE them:
(1) You know because you decide
You don’t feel love. You DO it. It’s an act, not a feeling. It’s a moment by moment decision and re-commitment. You know because it’s deliberate and conscious.
(2) You know because you DO the act of loving.
You invest. You exert effort.
You don’t knowingly do harm. You aren’t vengeful, petty, manipulative, or jealous. Their needs never seem irrit
If you try to Google “how to know you’re in love,” you’re gonna have a bad time.
Because it’s mostly shit advice.
Here’s a small sampling:
1. “They’re always on your mind”
This is infatuation.
If someone’s “always” on your mind, you’re not focused on other Really Important Things. And that’s a problem.
Real love fits into real life, rather than usurping it. It’s calm, not overwhelming.
2. “You crave them” or “can’t get enough of them.”
See above.
3. “They’re your ‘everything’.”
Ditto.
4. “You see them in your future.”
“When I imagined my future job/location/adopted dog, they were always in the background of my imagination helping me out with whatever I was doing. My future just didn’t really make sense without them around.”
Well, I mean, damn. You fantasize long and hard enough, you can see anything in your future — like I could imagine moving to Switzerland to be a goat farmer. That doesn’t mean I should.
The problem is that we’ve made “love” into a game of escapism, and measure potential partners by how they fit into that fantasy. That’s not love.
So, sure, see them in your future — but not because they “complete the picture.”
5. “They’re the person of your dreams”
See above.
6. “You always want them around.”
Ha. Hahaha. Clearly you have never been in a (healthy) long-term relationship.
You should usually want to see your significant other. But love isn’t always wanting to. Sometimes you need a minute. Sometimes you need to work or do other things. Or, damn, just be.
Don’t think it’s not love just because sometimes you want space.
7. “You’ll do whatever it takes to impress them.”
Well. That’s scary.
Why are you trying so hard? Loving isn’t “impressing.”
9. “You’re scared,”
“Of losing her, of never being with another woman… the list goes on.”
Healthy love doesn’t involve fear of loss. That’s attachment.
It also doesn’t involve fear of “never being with another person.” I don’t even know what that is. Low self-esteem? Lack of conviction?
10. “You’re jealous”
This is attachment again, not mature love.
11. “They’re beautiful.”
This is self-love, not love. (Also: you’re an idiot.)
12. “They’re kind.”
Well. Glad you’re getting your emotional needs met.
But this just means that they are deserving of love. It doesn’t mean that you are loving them.
13. “You just know.”
Well. Thanks for the most unhelpful advice ever.
To everyone who’s ever said this: Why though? Please stop.
Don’t perpetuate nonsense and call it “romance” just because you don’t have suitable answers.
Tread lightly with:
1. “They’re the best part of my day,” or “Seeing them is always the highlight of my day.”
The difference here is probably what the rest of your day looks like.
Good: If you’re happy with your life and your partner adds to it, then congrats. You win.
Bad: If you’re unhappy and using your partner as an oasis, then you need to get your shit together.
2. “You prioritize them.”
Good: you actually care about their wants and needs, and prioritize them in a way that doesn’t tear you down.
Bad: you compromise your own wants and needs, or base your value on your ability to “keep them happy.”
///
How to know you LIKE them as a person:
1. They’re different than everyone else.
Rad for them.
2. You like more than their looks.
Congrats, there may be hope for you yet.
3. You want them to be happy.
Great. I want happiness for most people.
4. You’ll try new things with them.
You found someone with whom you’re comfortable, and whose company you enjoy. Good on you.
5. They inspire you to be a better person.
Role models have that effect on us, too. That doesn’t mean we love them.
///
How to know you LOVE them:
(1) You know because you decide
You don’t feel love. You DO it. It’s an act, not a feeling. It’s a moment by moment decision and re-commitment. You know because it’s deliberate and conscious.
(2) You know because you DO the act of loving.
You invest. You exert effort.
You don’t knowingly do harm. You aren’t vengeful, petty, manipulative, or jealous. Their needs never seem irrit