Lets talk about some of the things that pushed me over the edge. What happened at 12/13? Too many CPS reports were made from school when I was able to attend from bruises I wish someone had the clearance the power to go back and look. Keep in mind I'm fully adopted now so then when anyone mentioned my last name everyone was scared and intimidated to do ANYTHING because they knew there would be repercussions for them. Everyone knew there was something obviously wrong but innocent people always turned for money or worse so nothing came when anyone got involved. When I hit middle school some bruises and bites were too hard to hide changing for PE. Some conversations between friends got back to their parents? I really wanted to know how everyone else got in "trouble". Whether that was someone beating the shit out of them or holding them down I was curious. Some parents and teachers started calling in to CPS and then a heads up would go to my surrogate that they were coming and because of stolen and welfare money the outside of the house was "immaculate " as they would say. They never talked to me away from her. They even had pictures, they had proof, they did nothing. Everytime they got up to leave I thought ..wow I'm going to die. I remember one night for CPS coming over my surrogate looked me in my eyes and said "when my man gets home he will deal with you .. and to get in the house". I ended up walking barefoot into one side of the house and kept running out the other side because I was in shock. I kept trying to tell myself things were normal and then again everyone knew something was wrong and I kept telling myself parts of it was all my fault and that day did it for me. I found a friend while running and called a family member that I thought would help because I wasn't the only one who ran but everyone lived a different life in that house. I ended up being at other persons house for a few hours before my surrogate and her "man" found out and I was picked up and it was a mess....
4am hit later and just like clockwork he walked into my room pissed and there was nowhere to hide. He kept saying if anything hurt it was my fault because I wanted to make adult decisions. It was my fault and the stupid decision I made was going to get everyone killed. That no one would ever believe me and to stop running and stop talking. That morning for school I packed up every strong pill I could find and a bottle of Bombay Gin and I got to school and tried to just relax. I ended up in an ambulance and overdosing. To be honest I didn't want to die I just wanted all the pain to go away. I ended up in RIverside ETS on a 51-50 hold. Then back I went and everyone was so nice to me for a second. I knew it was bullshit. I really tried to do everything right , stay quiet and be as invisible as possible. Drugs wasn't enough. Crying didn't help and there was no one to run to. My oldest "sister" at the time and my surrgoates biggest puppet was attending RCC Moreno Valley College. She would stay as late as possible to do homework,11PM sometimes, and my surrogate had a different "friend" over for the night. She told me to finish cleaning the kitchen while she went and picked her up and left me there with him. Of course it was my fault that to him I looked like her, and he was drunk and I was being "defiant" not answering his questions or let him pull my hair. So of course it was my fault what he did next and I couldn't tell or that would've been my fault too. So I slit my wrist and I tried to run but didn't make it out of the house. My surrogate told me "I dont care what happens to you just don't bleed on my brand new floor" so when I finally made it back to school I cut deeper and back to the hospital I went and after the hospital I ended up in the shelter where I met my mother now. I remember I saw her and just started crying. I was supposed to talk to her but no words would come out. Something in her eyes was clear and it said it was ok to break down for once and she didn't say a word she just let me cry....
4am hit later and just like clockwork he walked into my room pissed and there was nowhere to hide. He kept saying if anything hurt it was my fault because I wanted to make adult decisions. It was my fault and the stupid decision I made was going to get everyone killed. That no one would ever believe me and to stop running and stop talking. That morning for school I packed up every strong pill I could find and a bottle of Bombay Gin and I got to school and tried to just relax. I ended up in an ambulance and overdosing. To be honest I didn't want to die I just wanted all the pain to go away. I ended up in RIverside ETS on a 51-50 hold. Then back I went and everyone was so nice to me for a second. I knew it was bullshit. I really tried to do everything right , stay quiet and be as invisible as possible. Drugs wasn't enough. Crying didn't help and there was no one to run to. My oldest "sister" at the time and my surrgoates biggest puppet was attending RCC Moreno Valley College. She would stay as late as possible to do homework,11PM sometimes, and my surrogate had a different "friend" over for the night. She told me to finish cleaning the kitchen while she went and picked her up and left me there with him. Of course it was my fault that to him I looked like her, and he was drunk and I was being "defiant" not answering his questions or let him pull my hair. So of course it was my fault what he did next and I couldn't tell or that would've been my fault too. So I slit my wrist and I tried to run but didn't make it out of the house. My surrogate told me "I dont care what happens to you just don't bleed on my brand new floor" so when I finally made it back to school I cut deeper and back to the hospital I went and after the hospital I ended up in the shelter where I met my mother now. I remember I saw her and just started crying. I was supposed to talk to her but no words would come out. Something in her eyes was clear and it said it was ok to break down for once and she didn't say a word she just let me cry....