Classical fuck.

Frenji new year is coming up and people on the internet are talking what they have accomplished and didn't. What they wanted the most & ended up getting & so on. it had me thinking what I wanted the most this year and the answer just kept repeating in my head once I figured what it was. 

Closure is a strange thing to "need*. It's not really tangible or like a gift someone gives you. needing closure has this heavy silence that I don't know how to explain & when you don't get it feels like carrying a suitcase with no handle & you can't just leave it behind. Or can you? 

you tell yourself that if you could just hear the truth , or a lie dressed up as honesty , you'd be okay. It feels desperate almost obsessive. Closure isn't always understanding why things ended. Sometimes it's about acknowledgement like having your time valued, your presence remembered & when you don't get that it feels like everything you gave didn't matter enough to warrant a goodbye. 

Then on a random day you decide to stop retracting steps that don't lead anywhere. You think to yourself that's badass and you make peace with it.quickly you realize it can't happen over night. You realize you don't need someone else to tell you it's over. You can tell yourself and you trust yourself. AGAIN BADASS. 

I realized it shouldn't feel like something someone decides for me but sometimes it is because some people refuse to acknowledge the little pieces of me they took with them when they left. but what can you do when you can't have it? .

I realized it's over because I say it is. Closure is something I've thought about from last December to this December. Whenever someone asked me why I zoned out I couldn't say oh nothing major just mentally drafting closure speeches for everyone who refused to give me it. So I just stare at them 😭

If we've been friends or if u stayed long enough in this channel you'd know that I like to listen to songs album through album playing each one on repeat until I feel like I’ve fully absorbed it before moving on to the next. SOOOO For the past three weeks it’s been SZA's Ctrl (Deluxe) on repeat. I choose the songs I listen to based on how I feel usually and this is what I feel like lately. 🥲 & This album happens to be my favorite mainly because it hits home in a way alot of people can relate. 

*Stepping into my music review era * It's an honest portrayal of the turbulence of early adulthood where relationships , friends and even your sense of self are constantly shifting. the uncertainty and discomfort you feel during the early stages of relationships. where you wait for the other person to feel as much as you're feeling. It's about trying to connect with someone who feels out of reach. What I love so much about this album is how honest it is about the messiness of wanting someone. It might not be messy for a lot of you but for me it's a very sensitive period of my life where I experience falling short & the weight of my insecurities. The whole album brings familiar feelings that almost ache. It talks about the kind of loneliness that comes from being close to someone. It talks about stretching yourself so thin just to feel connected & clinging to whatever remains because you'd rather have something fragile than nothing at all. I love how real each song feels as if she tells us the secrets we keep even from ourselves. I love that it talks about the feeling of trying to hold on to people and moments that are slipping away & the panic of that feeling. 
It has all the highs and lows. 🤍

I identify as "cant hear without my subtitles"

They’re a quarter of my personality. They never call me Mommy. They don’t have faces though. For some reason, they just don’t. They have everything but a face. They have lives, their rooms are so warm, and their bedsheets are colorful. I tuck them in at night. I read them stories. I kiss them goodnight. I let them play. I let them be. They aren’t worried.

I don’t rush when I make their food. I don’t rush when I feed them. There’s time. I don’t rush them to grow up so fast. I don’t push them to understand everything right away. There’s time.

When it’s summer, and the sun doesn’t set until very late, we sit outside. They sit between my arms as we rock back and forth with the wind. I can hear their heartbeats. We’re always outside. We laugh outside. We play outside. We listen sometimes to the birds, sometimes to the trees, sometimes to music. Sometimes, we hear everything together.

It comes and goes. I drift in and out of reality. I think it’s unhealthy. I feel crazy, sometimes unstable. My stomach drops when I come back to the present. My heart sinks. But slowly & eventually I remember there’s time. When that thought settles in so does the calm. the weight lifts even just a little. I find myself breathing again softer steadier The storm quiets.There’s time.

I didn't watch any of the" important" movies growing up like batman lord of the rings and stuff but I watched stuck in love and claimed it as my favorite movie as a 14 year old. And I watched it at least twice a year ever since. It just never gets old It's my comfort movie. The quotes , the soundtrack, the cast , the setting. It's so real

Classical fuck was created exactly today in 2019 🫂
I think it aged well.

"The house was cleaned, and the tables were set out to make a room for you. Your coffin was brought out. The mourners came and wept, falling on the ground and mixing their tears with dirt. They scratched their faces and pulled out their hair. Funeral blues for you. I wonder if the cats notice your absence. I wonder if they wept too when I struggled to shed a tear. I still haven't cried for you.

I rested my head on the bathroom floor and played out the past year piece by piece, while a lump formed in my throat and fought me for air. The years to come seemed like a waste of breath, a waste of breath the years behind. I think I'm finally aware of your absence. At the same time, I feel your presence. Do you feel forgotten? I feel guilty avoiding the memory of you, but remembering you feels like touching broken glass and barbed wire. I felt awfully hollow all week, as if it was me that died. Grief wrapped me in its comfortless embrace. Missing you comes at the most unexpected times. Just when I think I have my life back, suddenly, with no warning, I get ambushed"

a memory to share. In 8th grade , chemistry teacher gave us homework and nobody did it cause nobody understood what this man was fucking teaching. The genius we are we decided to tell him that he didn't give us any homework. What he did was he left the class , came back a few seconds later with a long fat ass GOMA and started whooping each & everyone of us . Bro TEGREFIN. Bro went around and hit about 27 students. And left the class and came back the second day to teach like he didn't beat our asses the past day.

What the fuck was that about ?? Normal new ? 😭😭 that was wild. Was it that necessary? The memory used to be funny but not anymore.

"My heart aches for what it cannot find, drenched in sorrow and anguish. It yearns to hold as many memories of you as possible. Within my mind , a dance of moments we once knew.
We once breathed the same air & filled the space between our bare skin with laughter. The gifts you gave me remain untouched because I fear bankrupting their essence. There's a book from you on the table , unread in the fear of losing your scent from the pages. A keychain. Beer bottle sticker in my wallet. Your socks in my drawer. Your clothes in my closet. Your pen in my bag. Your photos. Your messages. Your beautiful face carved inside my brain.Every corner carries a trace of your memory. A testament to the love we once shared , a testament to you and me. Your clothes aren't meant to be put in the basket with the rest of my dirty laundry , nor are your socks. They're not meant to be cheapen that way.your love isn't meant to be compared with another lover too. As long as the memory of you brings comfort to my heart , even on days it fails , even on days your name cuts so deep that it lets my insides spill out and stings with pain , I will cling to you and your memories. It's comfortable. Your memory feels like home. I plan to live in it for a while until your contagious laughter completely erases itself"

How do you deal with nostalgia? Because for me i'm always torn apart with shooing it away or following it which have their own things that follow. These days i'm getting more and more nostalgic about the stuff me and my dad did or what he's done. So when shooing it away i get the feeling that i'm desecrating his memories or i didnt do right by him and i'll forget it. By following the nostalgia i get sucked into this deep reminiscent state from which i begin to day dream and run my memories like an old film*like projector sound and all to be honest* and the way my mind works is, as far as i know, it connects those with instances of stuff that happened during or have the same sort of situation and that leads to more deep thought and time flies by. I was trying to warm up to ask about a solution here but as you've seen i get side tracked, like a lot😂😂😂, so question is which is better running with the nostalgia? or shooing it away? neither is an option too if theres a person that doesnt get nostalgic where i've never met none.